8. The Little Things (Guest Blog)

Bringing the hate in the eight spot is Ed Scherrer, who will basically discuss all the little things that bother him. This will be the final guest blog, shit will be lonely without him. Enjoy:

I had fun here on thingsifuckinghate and I can only hope my smart ass sarcasm made me more appealing when you tried to picture me in a dress. As a goodbye present I leave with you a list of various annoyances that have cumulatively turned me into the stark raving lunatic I hope you learned to love, or in the spirit of this site: loved to hate.

Sexually yours,

Ed

U2 – Bono’s egotism and refusal to surrender the spotlight is the only thing that kept these overrated pop darlings out of mediocrity. The man deserves a shallow grave. I would like to drive him out to where the streets have no name and manacle him to a ticking atomic bomb. I’d then toss him a copy of his latest album and leave him to contemplate just how useful his pseudo political commentary actually is.

Expiration dates –either nurtures a paranoia that forces me to throw out fresh food or attempts to murder me by making me eat that bad baloney. I can still taste it whenever I am alone and or vulnerable.

Noisy ass birds – I am flattered by your song of courtship and woo but do not find it arousing, please seek companionship elsewhere, I am not a suitable guardian to your eggs, I find them far too delicious.

Taxis who do not stop for me when I am drunk – just because I am more beer than man and smell like the clothes Nick Nolte was buried doesn’t mean I’m not human….what, still alive you say? I was wondering why he hadn’t been canonized as the Saint of Open Liquor.

Head set telephones for walking on the street – assuming you have already finished your triple triple your two free hands will still not stop the third cinder block I lob at your inconsiderate face. This is actually a very minute annoyance of mine, I understand technology is a horny hutch bunny, just remember if you drive with one of these remarkable things that it is no safe substitute to yakking on a cellphone, come on, don’t pretend like we can’t all drive with one hand anyway, the thing that is distracting you the most from the road is the conversation you are having, not the telephone, be safe Mr and Mrs popular.

Converse shoes – I wear them and I don’t know why. In the winter I have to fight the urge to crawl on all fours because even my inert feet will start to slip if there is so much as a molecule of moisture under them. In the summer, they fall apart like a Hollywood marriage.

Hollywood marriages – Vanity: Multimillion dollar parties that publicly force your friends and family to toast and celebrate you and your sex life over and over again for all eternity.

Laugh tracks – Staples of sitcoms and a slap to the face of any self respecting viewer that says “You and your family are far too stupid to understand the subtly of Tim Allen.” Also, the people you hear laughing were pre reordered at studios decades ago, so if you are not listening to computerized chuckles you are in fact listening to the laughs of dead people. No disrespect to Seinfeld or Fresh Prince but we’d have several more hours of jokes memorized if it weren’t for the hoots and hollers that interracial kiss incited.

A list Actors /Actresses– Possibly the easiest most glorified occupation in the history of the word. It just goes to prove how far a pretty face will get you in this life if you commit to the fact that that is all you are. Don’t get me wrong there are a few talented actors with genuine personality, but it is sad to see most of them abuse their notoriety to spew their personal philosophies and politics on national television (or make an album) like they know what they are talking about. Just because you dressed up and played make believe as a foreign affairs minister does not mean you fucking are one. The whole industry reeks of incest too, who you bang and who your parents banged has produced 90% of the spoiled brats already being signed to summer blockbusters just because they are in the bloodline. Plastic surgery may cover up the physical deformities such monstrous inbreeding has spawned but your souls belong to the devil, don’t act like you don’t crave the taste of human flesh and have a yearning to crawl into the sewers every time you see an open man hole. Seriously don’t act, don’t even try, we can’t afford to pay you that kind of money.

Static electricity – I am periodically shocked and one day I’m just going to blow, I’ll probably grease my naked body with nitro glycerine and go fight a thunderstorm with a golf club.

“Blogging” – Lavish your attention on me and my inner most thoughts, I deserve it, nay, you’ve all earned it. (Yes I realize I am now part of this problem but what’s new? I don’t vote or properly recycle either.)

Death – Dude is the ultimate party pooper.

Street sweepers –Yeah, with the velocity of a shotgun just fire all that shit on over here to the side walk where we don’t have the luxury of rolling up a window to avoid taking pebbles to the head and choking on the filth of a two million people.

“There’s no place like this” That vomit inducing commercial to promote Ontario’s tourism – The song’s title is apt, there truly is no place like the immaculate utopia portrayed in that commercial: Where the sun always shines, pouting is punishable by waterboarding and the mere concept of diversity onsets a mutual ecstasy where everyone must stop what they are doing and hug.

People who stand in the passing lanes on escalators – I don’t always walk up escalators, but I also don’t treat them like a carnival ride, and if I do I make damn sure I’m not inconveniencing someone behind me. These people suck, to quote Jason Lee from Mallrats, I hope their pant legs get caught and a bloodbath ensues.

Old people who spend an ungodly amount of time buying movie tickets at the automated tellers forcing me to miss my show time – This is one of the most hopeless spectacles on Earth. Its looks like a group of chimps who were tossed a sewing machine. First the dominant one of these old farts has a go, they circle it cautiously and slap at it curiously before trying to insert their Free Mason card, then when he or she can’t understand the basic English instructions, the rest of the posse who haven’t collapsed and expired at our feet while waiting in line all put their senilic heads together and gang up on the thing: swatting and poking it with canes, demanding out loud that it unveil its secrets to them. By this point no one in the building can look away at this evolutionary misstep. It isn’t long before all of them collapse from low blood sugar and fatigue, utterly defeated. Why these stubborn people don’t just seek the help of someone who doesn’t still own a loom I will never know. In fairness those touch screens may just be unable to sense a strong enough life presence to operate.

The Queen of England – Oh man, if I got stuck behind that old thing buying movie tickets I’d give her such a royal spanking.

Kathy Griffen – What’s worse than an arrogant and loud mouth bitch who thinks she’s funny? Not much. That nasally voice no doubt gives the morning announcements in the bowels of hell.

Verne Troyer – I don’t know why I hate him but I simply do. He is just Hollywood’s untalented token little person who we are all suppose to love, well not me. Has anyone seen the movie The Darkling? It is so bad and poorly distributed I couldn’t really even find a suitable picture of what I wanted to show you. I saw it on TMN back in the day when they had a new network on Rogers very first digital cable boxes and only had the rights to show some fucking weird ass movies like The Stalking of Laurie Show and Donnie Darko, that’s before it became an indie sensation. The Darkling was about this rich dude who had this pudgy abomination that he kept locked up in a giant bird cage because it supposedly brings its owner good fortune. This creepy thing came straight from hell and looked like a very evil and mildly retarded cherub, it looked like a satanic 40 year old infant and it hacked up ungodly things as it spoke, its hollow eyes gleamed with a translucent decay that voided its face of all things virtuous and holy, it looked liked Verne Troyer.

What evil has been wrought to befalleth this upon us?

Facebook – I’m seriously looking for more wholesome distraction, like angel dust.

Angel Dust – In retrospect facebook is marginally healthier, I don’t like sleeping in the shower it’s too cold, I spent six hours last night trying to give my dog a bath before I realized I didn’t own one.

Ass hair – It occurred to me that if I was insane enough to actually shave it, and went to wipe, I’d probably put my elbow through and shatter the ceramic cistern while dislocating my shoulder from misjudging the absurd shift in resistance.

Beer – Ha! In your dreams Mr. Liver. I wish these so called “people watchers” would hang that shit in a giant hummingbird feeder for me, it is my nectar and I love its sweet embrace.

Cat Ladies – An insanity so far gone that your freezer is full of dead animals instead of food and a trip to the bank means a trip to the back yard with a shovel. These people imprison hundreds of pets in their house letting them starve, die and defecate amongst the four tonnes of newspapers. They believe they are responsible animal lovers when they are in fact torturing dogs and cats to compensate for their own social problems. If there is even a slim chance one of them is reading this right now let me just say,

“Mustard Potato, Potato Jesus, Tomato Nixon, Santa!”

Translation: Seek help immediately you are fucked in the head.

The fate of these individuals should be that of the one bestowed upon the evil bitch in the end of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers…Wow, first I name drop The Darkling and now Sleepwalkers, sorry but some of the greatest comedy on earth is unintentional and can be found in the obscurity of the horror genre. If you haven’t seen Sleepwalkers click the first link and read this dude’s synopsis or just look at the hilarious pictures, it’s fucking great. I’ve also attached another one of his reviews that no one on earth should miss…it is a film about a herd of murderous sheep who thirst for blood, the pics will change your life, look out for the one of the man having his genitalia stretched and pulled so terrifyingly taught it’s ready to snap off like a piece of hot taffy…I will never wear wool again.

http://headinjurytheater.com/article85.htm

http://headinjurytheater.com/article91.htm

Observe,

Miley Cyrus and father Billy Ray.

“Too much teeth babe! Quick, someone pass the mint jelly!”

I can think of nothing else in this world that I’d rather leave upon your innocent minds so…

Godspeed Luke.

9. The San Antonio Spurs

The Face of Basketball: Big, Boring, Idiots

Over the past ten years, no team has been as consistently good as the San Antonio Spurs. Although you can’t quite classify them as a dynasty, they surely are as close as you can get. You’d be foolish at the beginning of every season not to pick San Antonio to win the championship. They have hands down the best starting line up in the league and are always the favourite come playoff time, put simply, they are the one team you don’t want to play in the post-season. That being said, I fucking hate these clowns, each and every player on this team is so boring I literally can’t watch them for more than thirty seconds. Their choice of the two least exciting colours, white and gray, doesn’t help either. Their stadium is boring, the city they play for is boring, and their style of play is dreadfully boring. Join me as I dissect my own hatred for the San Antonio Spurs, number nine on the Things I Fucking Hate.

The Players

Good God! It is a miracle in itself that the twelve least exciting players in the league joined forces in one collective unit. Let’s run through the starting line up shall we?

Point Guard - Tony Parker

The most exciting thing about this guy’s game is that he’s boning Eva Longoria. At least we know his sex life couldn’t possibly be like his game on the court, because she would have left him after she realized he was good during the build up, but when the going got tough he shits the bed. Parker is known to put up serious regular season numbers, especially in the paint, but come playoff time he falls out of the limelight. Dude also bitches like a soccer player, perhaps this is due to the fact he grew up in France, but every call ever made against him causes Tony to open his mouth in complete shock like the refs are idiots. Ya, you’re probably right, they were idiots for the over 250 fouls you got last year, every single time.

Small Forward - Bruce Bowen

Straight up the dirtiest player in the league. If you took Darius Miles, Ron Artest, Paul Bernardo, and Josef Fritzl, and somehow created a child from all their DNA, you’d probably get Bruce Bowen Lite. Vince Carter and Ray Allen have spoken out about how Bowen actually puts his foot under a player when he shoots making it incredibly unsafe for the shooter to land, it’s that type of shit that ends careers. Bruce Bowen would slit your achilles tendon with a rusty knife if he knew he wouldn’t get called for it. Hell he’d slit your mother’s achilles tendon if he knew he could get away with it. This guy is dirty, he belongs in a mental institution, he kicks, punches, and steps on ankles. He is good at what he does, playing defense and ruining player’s careers with cheap shots.

Power Forward - Tim Duncan

Am I the only one who is certain this guy is some sort of robot from the 50s? Dude has no personality. Nobody likes Tim Duncan… nobody. He might be one of the ten best players of all time, but nobody likes him. Really it all boils down to his style of play, he catches the ball two feet from the hoop and instead of dunking it down, gently places it in the basket. He does this twelve to fourteen times a game. He also is a poor sport, jumping up a down like a toddler who didn’t get his toy every time a foul is called on him. I wonder if he has any idea how silly a seven foot, 250 lbs monster looks jumping up and down while bitching like a baby. Tim Duncan is the worst thing that has ever happened to basketball, if you’re not throwing down dunks and draining threes like Kobe and Lebron at least have some sort of personality like Garnett or O’Neil. Dude’s a complete towel, the world would be infinitely less boring if Tim Duncan fell off the face of the Earth.

Center - Fabricio Oberto

This greased up assclown is the lost player in San Antonio’s roster. Although calling Argentina home, he looks more like a product of a trailer park in Permian, Texas. He would not be in the NBA if he did not have Tim Duncan, Manu, and Tony Parker doing 95% of the work for him and gobbling up most of their cap space. He plays for San Antonio because they cannot afford anyone else. Basically he exists in the four seconds when Duncan misses a free throw and he has to box out an opponent, even then he looks perpetually lost in a sea of talent. This guy starts for the best team in recent memory and averages a whopping five points, five rebounds per game. I imagine I could put up better numbers if you put me on stilts, he has the talent of some retarded fish frog.

Shooting Guard - Manu Ginobili

Hands down the most talented player on the team, however he is also the biggest fairy to ever play the sport. If I wanted to watch ballet, I’d buy tickets for ballet, but this isn’t ballet Manu, this is basketball. Again, here is someone who probably has seen one too many soccer games in his native Argentina and thought ‘what the hell, I’ll just flop all over the floor every time someone touches me.’ So far it’s worked for him, he’s been able to cheat his way to being an NBA All-Star and Sixth Man of the Year. But if he ever gets a foul called on him, he’ll cry like his mother has just been shot. The dude is either an incredibly good actor or was born made entirely of straw, either way he’s a huge loser.

Manu was actually going to be in this commercial but he had a scheduling conflict…

The Coach

Holy smokes! Will someone get Greg Popovich a stylist, or at least a face that doesn’t look like he just exited a burn victims unit? I’ve met baseball gloves that are less leathery than this guy. His personality reeks of douche as well, he acts as if he is some guru and deserves free blow jobs for his work when, in truth, he has just been shit lucky with the players who have rolled through his organization. His post game comments are nonsensical dribble, better fit for a convention on speech impediments than basketball. The fact that he is the man behind the magic of the most boring organization in history doesn’t surprise me, everything from his hideous face to his slashed up tongue is just fucking ridiculous.

I say all of this but next season these dirty bitches will go 58-24, make the playoffs, and be projected to win again. They are like some futuristic computer, you can’t stop them, either you learn to love them or they will beat your team 4-1 in the conference semis. I would die a happy man if I could witness this franchise fold or at least miss the playoffs for a decade or two.

10. Utah

Before you send me messages that say “ur a cock… utah isnt anyfing like that!” Just remember, I come from Canada, a place that gets made fun of by Americans constantly. The cool thing about Canada is we laugh these jokes off and almost embrace the stereotype of being snowshoe wearing, igloo living, hockey playing maniacs. If you can’t laugh at your own culture, you have security issues.

Holding down the title of the least exciting state in the Union, Utah embraces religious and ethnic homogenization like Dresden circa 1941. With over sixty percent of its population adhering to the teachings of Joseph Smith, a ‘prophet’ who created a quasi-Christian offshoot for shits and giggles, and a deliriously Republican fan base, I have no choice but to insert this blond hair, blue eyed state in the top ten of ‘Things I Fucking Hate’.

Now I’ll admit that the majority of my information about Utah comes from the only thing of any importance produced by that state: the Utah Jazz. Utah’s demographic chart shows that 1.14% of people from “the Beehive State” are black, however, point guard Deron Williams and power forward Carlos Boozer make up 75% of that statistic - and I’m not even sure if Carlos Boozer is black. You’d think a state so dreadfully boring would insert some excitement into their only relevant focal point. Even when they made it to the finals it was John Stockton and Karl Malone at the helm, arguably the two most boring basketball players on Earth. Sign Ron Artest or get cheerleaders born after the moon landing… do something! But alas I digress.

It’s curious that a state with pockets of rampant polygamy is so against other forms of sexual expression that are against the norm. Gay marriage for example is opposed by current Utah Governor John Huntsman (more like John Cuntsman AMIRITE? AMIRITE?). This is a fascinating development because Utah’s state quarter is blatantly a reference to sodomy, take a look:

Highly dubious.

Either the selection committee for Utah’s state quarter is really ignorant or they are all closet homosexuals. I’m hoping for the latter, perhaps it would alleviate some of the disgusting exclusionary posturing this state puts off.

Really I feel like I’m in a village of the damned movie every time I catch a glimpse of a real life Utah family on television. They all dress like their permanently trapped in the mid-50s, they have plastic fantastic smiles stapled onto their faces, and you just know the kids are all the next great potential serial killer.

Get the tear gas…

One of Utah’s top industries is tourism, at first I thought this was a typo or some sort of sick joke, then I did a little research… this is what Utah has to offer:

Salt

A rock that has a hole in it.

Colorado City, Arizona/Hildale, Utah - Polygamist Capital of the World

400 Households, 8,000 people… you run the math.

The following is from the Phoenix New Times which ran a story on Colorado City/Hildale as Colorado City straddles the Arizona-Utah border:

“The Colorado City/Hildale, Utah area has the world’s highest incidence of fumarase deficiency, an extremely rare genetic condition which causes severe mental retardation. Geneticists attribute this to the prevalence of cousin marriage between descendants of two of the town’s founders, Joseph Smith Jessop and John Y. Barlow; at least half the double community’s roughly 8,000 inhabitants are descended from one or both.”

Must be God’s love at work.

Now I’m not saying that the Mormon church supports polygamy, far from it, however, I’m saying that it’s curious that this offshoot of Mormonism continues to operate so prevalently throughout Utah and surrounding states. Personally I think far more can be done to limit the current structure of polygamy as it often represents a misogynistic hierarchy between man and woman. But when you continuously vote Republican in landslide victories, how much is going to change really?

I’ve been told several times by trailer park Americans that Canada is the apartment above a really great party. This statement is horribly inaccurate, with Canada’s lower drinking age, liberal stance on drug usage, and openness to various forms of sexual orientation it begs the question, what kind of parties are Americans going to? Utah is lame even for it’s region, besting cool dude states like New Mexico and Arizona. If I was ever trapped in Salt Lake City, I can’t imagine what the hotel clerk would respond with if I asked him “what is there to do for fun around here?” He’d probably quip back with something like “nothing” or “you don’t come to Salt Lake City for fun”. Really it’s true, if you want to visit this part of the world for a good time, you go to Nevada. Seriously, Utah just doesn’t seem very fun, it it the church swap meet beneath Canada’s drug infused orgy. While Canada is having this orgy, Utahans across the state are feverishly jacking off to the Sears underwear catalogue.

I’ve always maintained that the United States is a pretty messed up little place, but at least it’s consistent. You know what you’re getting yourself into when you move to the United States, however this is not the case with Utah. Utah remains that inbred cousin you have from the country that will end up marrying his sister because that’s the norm, they will then create cross-eyed offspring. You think change in the United States is going to be difficult? Try this bastard child of a state. If I ever want to persecute homosexuals, marry dozens of women, and harvest salt I’ll move to Utah. Until then, I’m staying the fuck away from this evolutionary blunder.

Top Ten Explanation

We are ninety posts and ninety days in. I’ve written anywhere between 500 and 2500 words every single day for the past ninety days. This blog has allowed me to find out a lot about who I am and what my convictions are, it has been immensely cathartic, and I’m a little sad it’s coming to an end.

That being said, I have tried to organize the top ten in such a way that it illustrates who I am and what I hate as best I can. I jotted down what it is important to me in terms of my day to day routine and I hope that these ten blogs can appropriately bring this personal project of mine to a close.

Structure of the Top Ten

Social Issues - Three Posts

Political/Geographical - Two Posts

Sports Related - Two Posts

My Passions - Two Posts

Guest Blog - One Post

I would like to thank the following people for writing guest blogs:

Jennifer Cox

Aaron Schwab

Brandon Barrett

Ryan Blakely

Ben Walker

My most prolific guest blogger, Ed Scherrer, will be making one more appearance…

Starting tomorrow night (Saturday, June 21) at 10pm the top ten begins.

Enjoy.

11. The “Douche” (Guest Blog)

Bringing the hate for number 11 is fellow 519punk.com forum member Ryan Blakely. Now I know I’ve touched upon the Bro and the Jersey Douchebag, however, these two groups are subsets of the overwhelming epidemic of douchebaggery worldwide. Indeed we as a people are drenched in the ungodly stench of douche. Ryan is attacking that asshole who elbowed you as you walked out of the subway, that shithead who tore you up in high school for listening to metal, or that fucker who hits on your girlfriend right in front of you. Enjoy:

PS: Rosie O’Donnell is siq Ryan.

The Douche:

Look at this face and tell me it doesn’t reek of douche. Every facet, every inch of this human being is doused with the stench of his douche-ness. Call me sadistic or intolerant or hell even a douche myself. But nothing bothers me more than that certain class of asshole that haunts message boards, that you went to high school with, that you run into at bars when you least expect it. I am speaking, of course of the douche.

Now I’m not saying that I’m a perfectly likable guy all the time or that I can’t be an asshole, but it takes a certain kind of dick to reach the level of douche-bag. One with the skill to be an asshole to almost every, any, and all persons and people that comes in contact with him; one with the skill to spread his douche-ness to all corners of the earth and into the atmosphere. Does Global Warming exist? You bet your ass it does, and it’s this certain kind of asshole that not only caused it but denied its existence in the first place. Granted such a process is naturally occurring, but it is my firm belief that greenhouse emissions would be a hell a lot lower if people like this weren’t allowed to breed, thus subjecting the world to their environmentally degrading personalities.

These sorts of asshole, pricks, dicks, and pussies come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. Some are racist; others are just fucking clueless to how anyone could see the world just ever so slightly different than they do. They’re opinionated, they’re ignorant, and they are just straight up unpleasant. Now I’m not going to say that I haven’t been guilty of any of the above things, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that I’m not a chronic offender of the above. The douche is much more than a common asshat. He is the embodiment of all things wrong with this world. Most things I (fucking) hate can be united into this label of “douche-bag” acts merely by who commits and perpetuates these travesties, actions, or inactions. Anyway you put it, the douche bag is the lowest common denominator with everything wrong with this world.

Whether it be his naive grasp of the word ‘emo’, his elitist and even more clueless view on heavy metal, politics, the weather, birds, trees, the grass, drugs, his chronic masturbation (and that he is guilty of most of all), and pretty much failure of life in general, this fuck-wad of human existence will not only spend his time making you and everyone you know miserable, but he will follow you to the grave, lurking at every corner just to irk you that much more. Why? Because he’s just that cool.

What kind of sick fuck does all that? I return to my thought that they come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. The douche, is the guy who bullies someone until they snap and shoot up their high school; she is the girl who takes videos with her cell phone of the not-so-skinny chick in the locker room after gym class; he is the asshole that subjects countless people to his rhetoric that abortion, homosexuality, Islam, feminism, etc are around every corner and will destroy the world if they continue to exist; she is the cunt who lures a girl over to her house and then gang beats her because she spoke to her boyfriend; and perhaps most significantly: the douche is that kind of pussy which fundamentally desires the destruction of pretty much everything in existence just to make himself feel better about having a small dick.

I’ve come across my share of douches in my 20 odd years of life and why do they irk me so? Maybe I’m a bit of a douche myself, but I think it’s the fact that they this is one brand of person that has always been and will always be here. They are the cockroach of human existence, you can nuke ‘em all but they just get up and continuing spreading their pestilence and incessant douche-baggery. They’ll be here until the end of time and probably beyond. There will always be a Rosie O’Donnell, a Kim Jong-Il, a George W. Bush, an Anne Coulter, a Fred Phelps. There will always be bros, dumb ass flirty girl who gets by on their looks instead of their personalities, and middle aged pedophile anarchists.

I think what I’m getting at, is best phrased:

“Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn’t appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves… because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!”

And that my friends is a douche.

12. The Vast Majority of Celebrities

DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE EASILY OFFENDED. PLEASE, STOP NOW!!!!

Before I begin, let me outline what type of celebrity I’m directing my hate towards as the term itself is pretty broad and ambiguous. It could be argued that anyone in the limelight is a celebrity, meaning George W. Bush would make it, along with Noam Chomsky, as well as the Paris’, Lindsay’s and Britney’s. For sake of clarity in this post I will define a celebrity as, “anyone who has ever graced the first four pages of any shitty supermarket celebrity tabloid magazine.” This basically limits the field to actors/actresses, singers/musicians, socialites, and attractive athletes.

There are many I hate, these are the top ten:

10. The Beckham Twins

Why does this marriage seem incestuous to me? It could be that the two dumbest human beings to ever hit modern media somehow found each other. The sad thing is they then copulated, creating not one but two creatures who will have an IQ so abysmally low that they will have to think hard even to breathe. David Beckham was a siq soccer player, there is absolutely no denying that, I still get goosebumps when I watch his last minute goal against Greece to qualify them for the world cup:

But just because you bend a ball like it’s been weighted heavily to one side, doesn’t mean you are an intellectual in any capacity. The first time I ever saw David Beckham speak about anything other than soccer I whispered to myself, “oh, he’s retarded”. The poor fella would have died poor and lonely by now if he wasn’t so gifted with a soccer ball.

Recently Beckham signed a contract with the LA Galaxy of the MLS which made him fifty million a year. Maybe, just maybe, he was worth that in his prime, but the Galaxy surely paid him for the social standing he would bring to the club. Wearing your wife’s underwear and posing in Calvin Klein ads is great, but soccer teams shouldn’t be paying you for that.

Now on to Victoria. The terrifying thing is that she’s the smart one of the couple. Victoria Beckham was in the super group the Spice Girls in the late 90s/early 2000s, but she was far and away the least talented of the group. She barely sung and when she did it was goofy and quiet. She is quite ‘fit’ as Beckham would call it, but so was Miss Teen North Carolina. With the exception of a comeback tour recently, she has done jack shit for the past five years, making appearances at award shows for talented people, and vapidly watching her metrosexual hubby descend into geriatric sports mediocrity.

The Beckham Twins Scorecard

Hottness: 8/10

Intelligence: 0.01/10

Talent: Victoria 1/10, David 7.5/10

Hate Factor: : 6/10

9. Jeffree Star

An embarrassing story: the first time I came across her myspace site I was very attracted to this celebrity. Then it was revealed to me by my neighbour that Jeffree Star, although identifying as a female, is indeed biologically male. I felt cheated as my penis crawled into my pelvis (has to do with my confused attraction, not with the fact that cross-dressers are unattractive in any way). Now, I’m a defender of LGBT rights, I think that when Chris Crocker makes a serious post he is quite articulate and represents his particular gender well. Jeffree Star however does not. Everything this assclown says in her music is incredibly pornographic and often promotes drug use. Both of these things are completely fine in my books, but not when your music has inundated the young teen/preteen population. Telling twelve year olds that you’re going to do coke on a toilet seat and then rape some bitch doesn’t elevate you to role model status. Star also talks about the benefits of plastic surgery and body modification, again, for an image obsessed population this can only be a negative.

The funny thing about this woman is that she actually is talentless. Her voice is distorted in her songs and with the exception of one or two redeemable hooks, her entire catalogue is complete trash. So I’m left with a curious question: is Jeffree Star just talentless and her success is a product of North America’s confused obsession with things that are taboo OR is Jeffree Star brilliant and has recognized that she can reap massive monetary rewards for fitting into this taboo? Either way, I would still hate her.

Wholesome…

Jeffree Star Scorecard
Hotness: ???

Intelligence: ???

Talent: 2/10

Hate Factor: 6.5/10
8. The Olsen Twins

Combined aged 42, combined IQ 45, combined weight 8 lbs. The Olsen Twins are a rare pair as everything they are, their success, their wealth, and their status exists because they were cute babies. I won’t lie, Full House was a dope show, Bob Saget held shit down in that lovable family comedy. However, I will forever curse the creators of this sitcom for casting these two little monsters to play baby Michelle. Any baby can be cute when they exist solely to be cute, Michelle wasn’t acting, she was just responding to basic stimuli from the director, rats and frogs have been proven to be able to do this. Somehow this cuteness turned into the most powerful twin team in the history of man. Now, with a net worth well into the hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of teenage girls and middle age men slobbering all over their vagina’s, I can’t help but be a little scared for what they will come up with next. One of them, Mary-Kate or Ashley (I can’t tell them apart) had a documented eating disorder, although I would never fault someone for becoming anorexic, she continued to stay in the limelight, basking in her success and fame. She had a wonderful opportunity to speak out to her dedicated fan base (most of whom are very impressionable teenage girls), but instead chose to wear over-sized sunglasses, drink over-sized Starbucks coffee, and present herself as an anorexic sex symbol. Yikes!

Also, what have they done lately? They make the occasional guest appearance on a TV show and then quickly scamper away to their luxury yachts and overpriced purses. The fact that these girls still have a following sickens me, go back to San Francisco Olsen Twins, you’re no good to us.

Olsen Twins Scorecard

Hotness: 8.2/10

Intelligence: 3/10

Talent: 0/10

Hate Factor: 7/10

7. Carrot Top

Will someone please put this pup down? I think I’ve broken my own criteria for what a celebrity is, there is no way in hell Carrot Top has ever graced the first four pages of a gossip magazine. To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea what this half man/half spider monkey does. All I remember about his illustrious career is the cover of some VHS where he is surfing on some hovercraft. At that exact moment I made a mental note to somehow document how much I hate him for placing this image in my cache of memory. The few times I’ve seen him on TV or on the internet I quickly call my parents telling them to get down in the cellar because one of the horseman of the apocalypse has arrived. It’s actually hard for me to make fun of his career, mostly because he doesn’t have one. I hope for our sake he either descends further into obscurity (is that possible?) or sets himself a drift on an iceberg. Although not even the sharks would sink their teeth into this rancid creation of Hades. He would be higher up the list, if only I knew him better.

Carrot Top Scorecard

Hotness: 0/10

Intelligence: 1/10 (based upon that dumbass look of satisfaction tattooed onto his face)

Talent: 0/10

Hate Factor: 7.2/10

6. Jack Black

It boggles the mind that this douchebag continues to make movies and profitable movies at that. The movies where he tries to be funny, he is just devastatingly embarrassing (see School of Rock and uhhh?). In the movies where he tries to be serious he just looks like a confused fawn who has lost his mother’s teat (see King Kong and that movie where he sees women based on their personality). He’s one of those comedians who doesn’t actually say anything funny and has to resort to doing quasi-Kung Fu and uttering the occasional goof ball grunt for laughs. These jokes, although perhaps appealing to infants and people with drool running down their chin, are NOT funny. I have absolutely no idea how his movies rake in hundreds of millions of dollars, I often get more laughs reading the obituary section of the newspaper than watching him attempt to act. I would die a happy man if he made one movie that absolutely flopped in the box office, I would giggle as I elegantly masturbated to the lack of money it drew.

Seriously?

Jack Black Scorecard

Hotness: 2/10

Intelligence: 6/10

Talent: 1/10

Hate Factor: 7.5/10

5. Mel Gibson

Let me let you guys in on a little secret. I went to Mel Gibson’s sham of a movie Apocalypto on a dare. I quietly walked in to the theater and took a seat close to the back ensuring I wouldn’t be seen by the bros and closet racists. Forgetting my glasses, I quickly realized that I was unable to differentiate the characters due to my lack of vision. Fearing that I’d be seen by someone who knew me if I moved up I elected to squint and came across a devastating piece of information. Apocalypto is actually a motion picture Magic Eye with a continuous loop of Mel Gibson jacking off to piles of money and pictures of Palestine pre-1948.

Mel Gibson Scorecard

Hotness: 5/10

Intelligence: 9/10

Talent: 9/10

Racist Asshole Factor: 15/10

Hate Factor: 8/10

4. Tom Cruise

Prediction: Tom Cruise will sacrifice his child to L. Ron Hubbard by the end of the calender year.

Here’s a guy who had it all: millions of adoring fans, assloads of cash, and a generally respectable career. Then he found L. Ron Hubbard and the wickedness of Scientology suffocated his delicate five foot seven frame. I hate everything about this guy. From denying his wife to make sound while giving birth to turning Oprah Winfrey’s wonderful show into something out of a horror film, this guy is just a complete clown. I can’t even imagine what life at home is like for the lucky bride Katie Holmes.

Cruise Residence 5:45 PM

Katie asks, “Tom, wanna help me with the dishes?”

Tom quips, “Help me? Help you!” And proceeds to fist pump the imaginary audience in the living room, he then goes upstairs and pays his respects to the photograph of his lord and saviour Mr. Hubbard by offering a lock of his own hair. Katie comes up with a glass of milk and a cookie and puts Cruise into his Mission Impossible jam-jams, tucks him in, and then proceeds to cry herself to sleep on the couch.

Tom needs to look at this logically, he has two options: stop being an actor, or stop believing in a religion made by a science fiction writer. He can’t do both, in fact he can barely do one of those well. Failure will result in me writing you a strongly worded letter… which of course you’d have to get Katie to read to you, you dumb fuck.

Tom Cruise Scorecard

Hotness: 4/10

Intelligence: 0/10

Talent: 3/10

Hate Factor: 8.2/10
3. Oksana Baiul

Massive throwback here. If you’re born in the 90s you’ve likely never heard of this wench. Oksana Baiul won the gold medal in figure skating at the Lillehammer Olympics in 1994 skating for Ukraine. Her victory is a side note to the Tanya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan fiasco. For those who don’t know, Tanya Harding, an American figure skater, hired a hit man to break her teammate Nancy Kerrigan’s legs rendering her incapable of skating at the Games. Kerrigan skated like a maniac in the free skate however and actually won silver, barely losing out to Baiul. Ignoring the very obvious point that everyone, save maybe Oksana’s parents, wanted to see Baiul to lose to Kerrigan, everything about “the beast from European East” is so fucking annoying. First, she decided that she didn’t look pretty enough to accept her gold medal and dashed off to her change room for some touch-ups. She then hid out there for quite some time as the very injured Kerrigan sat out on the ice waiting to accept her silver. Really Baiul, are you that narcissistic? You spend years doing everything you can to get the gold and then you force your competitors to wait for you as you get all ‘dolled up’? Go to fucking hell, the Olympic governing body should have stripped your medal and sent you to reform school you spoiled little shit.

Start watching at 4:21, my God.

I remember watching this when I was seven, I remember writing this story down in my colouring book outlining the horrible things I would say to her when I was articulate enough to convey them appropriately. But now that I have the chance, I am at a loss for words. Nothing more can be said except than I hate her more than cold sores, people like her should never have the right to win gold medals.

Oksana Baiul Scorecard

Hotness: 4/10

Intelligence: Probably like 2/10

Talent: 9/10

Hate Factor: 9/10

2. Sean Penn

Pull it Sean… pull it.

I know where this clown is at any given moment. How you ask? Well I, like most people, can smell his foul stench of elitism from anywhere on the planet. I’ll concede that he’s an amazing actor, one of the best. But that’s all he should do. Like Beckham he should just live with the fact that he has a particular talent and work on cultivating it. Instead Penn decides to open up his mouth and expose a gum line of radical extremism that’s hardly based on anything coherent. He was a judge at the recent Cannes Film Festival, while being interviewed about the potential favorites for this year, he launched into a massive tirade on Bush with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Truth is, nobody really cares what a good actor thinks, they just care about how good a good actor acts. I feel like every time I see him being interviewed on TV that I’m seeing deleted scenes from I Am Sam, he is just incapable of saying anything that would be considered a rational thought. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Sean Penn Scorecard

Hotness: .7/10

Intelligence: 0/10

Talent: 10/10

Hate Factor: 9.5/10

1. Paris Hilton

Really, was there any doubt?

Paris Hilton Scorecard

Hotness: N/A

Intelligence: Devastating

Talent: None

Hate Factor: Fuck her.

13. Ageism

We’ll be removing your poo bags, just remember that…

This isn’t some childish plea to respect my asshole ways. I’m truly terrified for the world and have you old battle axes to thank. hehe

Ageism was originally coined as a term to describe a prejudice towards seniors. Various forms of prejudice to this group were observed, some positive, some negative. Most view the elderly as friendly but generally incapable of being productive members of society, this clearly is a massive generalization, and while stereotypes often hold truths to them, they are inherently bad. This post however will not be discussing ageism as it pertains to the elderly, rather, it will display my growing displeasure with the disdain and ignorance for the youth of the West from an adultcentric population.

This post goes out to the forty-five year old woman who jumped in front of me in line at the Metro because she assumed her time was better than my time. This post goes out to the sixty year old man who wouldn’t let me play through at Grey Silo golf course calling me ‘an arrogant prick’. This post goes out to the seventy-five year old woman who told me to pull my headphones out of my ears on the bus because it was disrespectful to her. To these people I say, “you are not better than me, you are not entitled to my respect because you are older than me.” Personally I think the saying “respect your elders” is complete bullshit. There are two elders I respect unconditionally, my mother and my father, solely because they created me and raised me well. Had they treated me the same way that man at the golf course treated me throughout my teenage years, I wouldn’t respect them.

The youth of today is vastly different from the youth of the 70s, we’re more socially aware, we’ve grown up faster, and we exist in a world that could very well go to absolute shit before we are grandparents. We’re flooded by consumerism, punctured by drug culture, and are blessed with the unfortunate fact that there are no guarantees anymore - hard work does not necessarily mean a life of affluence. Sure we listen to our iPods, smoke our drugs, and vomit our guts out, but we also live in a society where a white collar/picket fence takes eight years of college and hundreds of thousands in debt. We are the generation that is forced to bail you out of this mess you’ve created, the whole ‘consume now, worry later’ mentality you preached, well it’s later now and here we are decades away from the exhaustion of oil, a food crisis that could spell massive famine for the economically feeble, and an over medicated population that could incite widespread pestilence. Thanks guys, I owe you one.

It just doesn’t work the way it did thirty years ago, you can’t grind your way to the top, corporate empire building is becoming a thing of the past. Pushing people aside because they are young, old, black, white, man, or woman has become archaic. Respect isn’t built by the number of zeros you have in your bank account, it’s based on how you treat one another. And disrespecting me and the youth of today based on what we wear, how we look, and what we say will only come back to haunt you. Trust.

You want me to take my iPod out of my of ears? I want you to take that masturbatory pole of elitism out of your ass that has been massaging your prostate as I grew up in your world of shit. Or fuck, at least pull that blindfold from over your eyes. As you start becoming senile and requiring diapers I will be toiling in a world that has been made incredibly terrible due to your ignorance. You watch your mouth when you tell me I’m arrogant, you think twice when you butt in front of me in line because I, along with the billions of people under the age of twenty-five will dictate whether your older years are spent quietly in retirement or in the check-out lines of the biggest welfare state in history.

You need us more than we need you. Fo realz. Do you really want to piss off a generation that decides your wellbeing?

14. Mosquitoes

Forgive my cold… I’m not a cokehead I swear!

I would get the biggest boner if this species just ceased to exist.

These dirty bitches come out when you least want them around: you’re teeing off early in the morning at a beautiful golf course, they’re there. You’re sitting around with friends at the cottage, they’re there. You’re smoking meth with two Danish prostitutes who may or may not be men, they’re there.

If someone can tell me why these vile sacks of shit are useful in any way I’d like to hear it. They have killed more people than any other creature on Earth besides man with their bloodsucking trickery. They ruined my whole summer with that West Nile scare that had people covered in sweats in the burning heat and looking like complete clowns with those dumb ass sun screens over their faces.

“Luke, it’s just a bug, calm the fuck down.”

No. I will not, these bastards were created in the Seventh Layer of Hell, they are not just bugs. If you want proof, look at the make-up of a mosquito’s saliva, “a pharmacologic cocktail that can affect vascular constriction, blood clotting, platelet aggregation, inflammation, immunity, and angiogenesis.” Ma Gawd. This thing weighs .04 grams and it does all of that, my saliva just smells like shit and energy drinks.

These tiny monsters can also ruin a nights rest with two different forms of douchebaggery. First, they bite you. Personally, my favourite spot is on the upper back where my stubby arms can’t scratch the bite. I will rub my back against my wall, my bed, and my floor. This has led to many sleepless nights. The next day I look like some sort of weird pervert as I dry hump any surface I can trying to scratch the itch. Second, you’ll be sitting in your bed, all curled up like a nice cinnamon bun, dreaming of sugar dancers and pretty flowers, and in the distance one solitary mosquito is humming it’s death squeal. You hear it get closer, unable to pinpoint it’s location, and then it very slowly, gracefully, darts by your ear. You spaz like you’ve just been shot, but the fucker is already halfway across the room. This is repeated until you get out of bed and hunt down the creature that is one billionth your size. By the end you’re satisfied but horribly bitten.

The Angel of Death

Millions of people die each year from malaria in Africa. The main culprit for this onslaught of destruction is none other than the mosquito who, without warning, suckles the blood of an infected individual and then infects someone with its next meal. Few creatures can destroy life on such a magnitude simply by eating. Either God is some sick fuck for giving this power to the elusive mosquito, or maybe even God can’t get rid of them. Even in the west, where medical advances provide a seemingly invincible shield around us, the mosquito still kills thousands. You can avoid needles, you can avoid sharing a Pepsi, you can avoid Poz Parties, but you can’t avoid the mosquito.

Mr. Mosquito, you’ll be the end of us all.

15. The Internet

Warning: I talk about hitting puberty (which no one needs to read about). If you are easily offended or part of a Puritan sect, STOP READING NOW!

What a filthy place. Over the last fifteen or so years, the internet went from a bunch of librarians indexing books to a place where billions of people waste their time. I probably average six hours a day on the internet doing absolutely nothing, in fact, this blog is the most productive thing I’ve ever done in this hell. There is no denying that the internet has made knowledge more accessible, in fact, I have absolutely no idea how people figured shit out before the world wide web. I remember what life was like before the internet, barely, I remember it was a dark, limited place. Instead of watching videos of people hurting themselves on skateboards, I played outside and coloured in colouring books. Life was simple, but life was more wholesome, as soon as the internet arrived my innocence was raped out of my innocent asshole. My first “true” search on the internet without my parents hovering around me was “playboy girls,” I was eight. I struck puberty within seconds.

Now with the internet all around us we are one Google search away from finding a sex partner five minutes from us, we can inquire about how to fuck our pets, or meet friends who get off eating each other. Sure the internet has pictures of bunnies and flowers, but it also has videos that depict a guy hammering his balls until they explode… both items are accessible in the same amount of time. When the internet cuts out, I just sit refreshing my browser, if it goes out for more than five minutes I start to get nervous. I’m legitimately addicted to the internet.

So with that I’m going to countdown the five worst things the internet provides:

5. We can never forget:

What’s the quote? “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.?” Yes, I believe in this statement, the internet has great resources on horrible events in history, someone can read about the Armenian Genocide or the Holocaust with a click of a button. However, some events in history should not be remembered, shitty bands for example, pictures of us puking on the steps of a church that will forever be embedded on facebook, or MSN conversations that come back to haunt us. Our actions have been forever saved on the internet, there is no recycle bin.

Lest we forget…

4. We either fit in or fuck off.

We don’t need cars, we don’t need television, phones, money, clothing, or good hygiene, but if you don’t have the internet in some capacity you are social outcast. Learning how to ‘do’ the internet is like learning how to walk, talk, and interact with society. Even my grandparents learned how to function on the internet, it was painful to watch, but they did it. My grandpa, when trying to figure out baseball scores actually typed in www.baseballscorestorontobluejaysvsnewyorkyankees.com. Thankfully his internet skills have improved. But seriously, if you don’t learn the internet you will die poor and lonely. No internet = no friends. Straight up.

3. Dumbasses Get in Your Way

The internet reveals that the world is full of absolutely fucking dumb people. I can only hope that the internet somehow loosens up people’s ability to spell or make coherent arguments, because really it is quite terrifying. People can blame the collapse of the American economy on the government, I blame it on the fact the majority of Americans are dumb as stones. The internet has taught me that, thank you internet. However, these internet morons are typically racist, sexist, and every other ‘ist’ under the sun, these people should be censored on the internet, they bother me and probably you too.

2. The Internet is a Breeding Ground for Psychos

To prove this point, this is a list of the top searches that got to my site today (note I bolded the exciting ones):

american apparel
american apparel models
i hate fraternities
things i fucking hate wordpress
oprah winfry suckin my dick
naked pictures of five year olds
models of american apparel
cute preteen girls
whores who put out
how to fuck my dog safely

This is just a list of shit that got to my site, I can’t even imagine the weirdest searches Google gets. On a small side note, to the individual who wants to fuck his/her dog, if you are worried about safety, your priorities are a little messed up. Also, to the individual who searched ‘oprah winfry suckin my dick’ 54 times, I can safely tell you that I do not have a copy of a picture of you having your dick sucked by Oprah.

1. Porn

If you took all the time that has been wasted watching porn on the internet and instead devoted it to the common good of humanity… we’d all be happier and we’d live in some pseudo-utopia. But then again, there’d be no porn, fucking dilemma right there.

16. Josef Fritzl

Mordor has produced better looking creatures than this clown…

This guy isn’t a very good person. In fact if I had a choice to have the Oklahoma City bombings credited to me or the shit this guy did, I would take the bombings in a heartbeat. Josef Fritzl can be categorized under a number of my blogs, he’s a pedophile, he’s a Jersey Douchebag, and he’s Hitler, actually no, even Hitler would get all squirmy at the thought of this shit. It’s amazing an individual could commit a crime so vile that an entire country is smeared with his tainted seminal fluid. There is no punishment adequate for what he did, he should rot.

Because sixteen is my least favourite number I created a check list of qualities an individual must fulfill in order to acquire this very infamous position. Fritzl passed:

Are you a pedophile? Yes.

Do you chain your daughter up in a cellar having sex with her continuously for decades? Yes.

Do you imprison the offspring of you and your daughter in that same cellar? Yes.

Are you convicted of rape already? Yes.

Are you linked with the murder of a young girl? Yes.

These kids never saw the light of day, one was nineteen when she finally left her ‘cell’ for the first time. Your daughter and your three grandchildren are now left with horrible problems that are directly linked to your sick fantasies. They are unable to have natural light touch their skin, their immunity systems are shot to shit, and they will never fully be able to enter a world without walls. These weren’t people you raped in some alley, three of these people were born into your crime, all they know is your evil, a evil that transcends anything I’ve ever seen. They were your own flesh and blood, they lost all human rights as soon as you showed them your lack of humanity.

Austria has had their image of blond hair, blue eyed children frolicking in the Alps crippled. If the question is posed “name someone from Austria,” the majority of the west would respond with “that fucker who raped his kid and kept her in a cell forever.” They certainly wouldn’t mention oh, you know, Adolf Hitler. You have become Austria’s most famous person, passing Hitler, solely out of your malevolence… BRAAAAVO. The Austrian Chancellor is actually creating a new program to improve Austria’s image because of how badly you’ve shit over this friendly little country.

I remember in grade eight art class my friends and I would discuss the worse way to die, we determined that having your junk placed in a vice and then being bitchslapped while the vice slowly cramps down on your balls was pretty bad. I’d like for something like this to happen to you, you deserve to die. Many people would say you should rot and think about what you did. I say nay nay, you are so fucked up that you would never show remorse and feel horrible for your actions. You’d just be like Paul Bernardo, eating ice cream and watching TV all day in solitary confinement. Austria should hold some sort of referendum to determine your punishment, obviously there are some people seriously affected by your actions (your family), but each and every Austrian who travels will now have to answer, “what do you think about that dude who fucked his family?” You’ve tarnished a whole nation in your volcano of shit. I hope Dante’s levels of hell are real and you get a spot right next to the Devil. That would actually make my nipples hard.