8. The Little Things (Guest Blog)
Bringing the hate in the eight spot is Ed Scherrer, who will basically discuss all the little things that bother him. This will be the final guest blog, shit will be lonely without him. Enjoy:
I had fun here on thingsifuckinghate and I can only hope my smart ass sarcasm made me more appealing when you tried to picture me in a dress. As a goodbye present I leave with you a list of various annoyances that have cumulatively turned me into the stark raving lunatic I hope you learned to love, or in the spirit of this site: loved to hate.
Sexually yours,
Ed
U2 – Bono’s egotism and refusal to surrender the spotlight is the only thing that kept these overrated pop darlings out of mediocrity. The man deserves a shallow grave. I would like to drive him out to where the streets have no name and manacle him to a ticking atomic bomb. I’d then toss him a copy of his latest album and leave him to contemplate just how useful his pseudo political commentary actually is.
Expiration dates –either nurtures a paranoia that forces me to throw out fresh food or attempts to murder me by making me eat that bad baloney. I can still taste it whenever I am alone and or vulnerable.
Noisy ass birds – I am flattered by your song of courtship and woo but do not find it arousing, please seek companionship elsewhere, I am not a suitable guardian to your eggs, I find them far too delicious.
Taxis who do not stop for me when I am drunk – just because I am more beer than man and smell like the clothes Nick Nolte was buried doesn’t mean I’m not human….what, still alive you say? I was wondering why he hadn’t been canonized as the Saint of Open Liquor.
Head set telephones for walking on the street – assuming you have already finished your triple triple your two free hands will still not stop the third cinder block I lob at your inconsiderate face. This is actually a very minute annoyance of mine, I understand technology is a horny hutch bunny, just remember if you drive with one of these remarkable things that it is no safe substitute to yakking on a cellphone, come on, don’t pretend like we can’t all drive with one hand anyway, the thing that is distracting you the most from the road is the conversation you are having, not the telephone, be safe Mr and Mrs popular.
Converse shoes – I wear them and I don’t know why. In the winter I have to fight the urge to crawl on all fours because even my inert feet will start to slip if there is so much as a molecule of moisture under them. In the summer, they fall apart like a Hollywood marriage.
Hollywood marriages – Vanity: Multimillion dollar parties that publicly force your friends and family to toast and celebrate you and your sex life over and over again for all eternity.
Laugh tracks – Staples of sitcoms and a slap to the face of any self respecting viewer that says “You and your family are far too stupid to understand the subtly of Tim Allen.” Also, the people you hear laughing were pre reordered at studios decades ago, so if you are not listening to computerized chuckles you are in fact listening to the laughs of dead people. No disrespect to Seinfeld or Fresh Prince but we’d have several more hours of jokes memorized if it weren’t for the hoots and hollers that interracial kiss incited.
A list Actors /Actresses– Possibly the easiest most glorified occupation in the history of the word. It just goes to prove how far a pretty face will get you in this life if you commit to the fact that that is all you are. Don’t get me wrong there are a few talented actors with genuine personality, but it is sad to see most of them abuse their notoriety to spew their personal philosophies and politics on national television (or make an album) like they know what they are talking about. Just because you dressed up and played make believe as a foreign affairs minister does not mean you fucking are one. The whole industry reeks of incest too, who you bang and who your parents banged has produced 90% of the spoiled brats already being signed to summer blockbusters just because they are in the bloodline. Plastic surgery may cover up the physical deformities such monstrous inbreeding has spawned but your souls belong to the devil, don’t act like you don’t crave the taste of human flesh and have a yearning to crawl into the sewers every time you see an open man hole. Seriously don’t act, don’t even try, we can’t afford to pay you that kind of money.
Static electricity – I am periodically shocked and one day I’m just going to blow, I’ll probably grease my naked body with nitro glycerine and go fight a thunderstorm with a golf club.
“Blogging” – Lavish your attention on me and my inner most thoughts, I deserve it, nay, you’ve all earned it. (Yes I realize I am now part of this problem but what’s new? I don’t vote or properly recycle either.)
Death – Dude is the ultimate party pooper.
Street sweepers –Yeah, with the velocity of a shotgun just fire all that shit on over here to the side walk where we don’t have the luxury of rolling up a window to avoid taking pebbles to the head and choking on the filth of a two million people.
“There’s no place like this” That vomit inducing commercial to promote Ontario’s tourism – The song’s title is apt, there truly is no place like the immaculate utopia portrayed in that commercial: Where the sun always shines, pouting is punishable by waterboarding and the mere concept of diversity onsets a mutual ecstasy where everyone must stop what they are doing and hug.
People who stand in the passing lanes on escalators – I don’t always walk up escalators, but I also don’t treat them like a carnival ride, and if I do I make damn sure I’m not inconveniencing someone behind me. These people suck, to quote Jason Lee from Mallrats, I hope their pant legs get caught and a bloodbath ensues.
Old people who spend an ungodly amount of time buying movie tickets at the automated tellers forcing me to miss my show time – This is one of the most hopeless spectacles on Earth. Its looks like a group of chimps who were tossed a sewing machine. First the dominant one of these old farts has a go, they circle it cautiously and slap at it curiously before trying to insert their Free Mason card, then when he or she can’t understand the basic English instructions, the rest of the posse who haven’t collapsed and expired at our feet while waiting in line all put their senilic heads together and gang up on the thing: swatting and poking it with canes, demanding out loud that it unveil its secrets to them. By this point no one in the building can look away at this evolutionary misstep. It isn’t long before all of them collapse from low blood sugar and fatigue, utterly defeated. Why these stubborn people don’t just seek the help of someone who doesn’t still own a loom I will never know. In fairness those touch screens may just be unable to sense a strong enough life presence to operate.
The Queen of England – Oh man, if I got stuck behind that old thing buying movie tickets I’d give her such a royal spanking.
Kathy Griffen – What’s worse than an arrogant and loud mouth bitch who thinks she’s funny? Not much. That nasally voice no doubt gives the morning announcements in the bowels of hell.
Verne Troyer – I don’t know why I hate him but I simply do. He is just Hollywood’s untalented token little person who we are all suppose to love, well not me. Has anyone seen the movie The Darkling? It is so bad and poorly distributed I couldn’t really even find a suitable picture of what I wanted to show you. I saw it on TMN back in the day when they had a new network on Rogers very first digital cable boxes and only had the rights to show some fucking weird ass movies like The Stalking of Laurie Show and Donnie Darko, that’s before it became an indie sensation. The Darkling was about this rich dude who had this pudgy abomination that he kept locked up in a giant bird cage because it supposedly brings its owner good fortune. This creepy thing came straight from hell and looked like a very evil and mildly retarded cherub, it looked like a satanic 40 year old infant and it hacked up ungodly things as it spoke, its hollow eyes gleamed with a translucent decay that voided its face of all things virtuous and holy, it looked liked Verne Troyer.
What evil has been wrought to befalleth this upon us?
Facebook – I’m seriously looking for more wholesome distraction, like angel dust.
Angel Dust – In retrospect facebook is marginally healthier, I don’t like sleeping in the shower it’s too cold, I spent six hours last night trying to give my dog a bath before I realized I didn’t own one.
Ass hair – It occurred to me that if I was insane enough to actually shave it, and went to wipe, I’d probably put my elbow through and shatter the ceramic cistern while dislocating my shoulder from misjudging the absurd shift in resistance.
Beer – Ha! In your dreams Mr. Liver. I wish these so called “people watchers” would hang that shit in a giant hummingbird feeder for me, it is my nectar and I love its sweet embrace.
Cat Ladies – An insanity so far gone that your freezer is full of dead animals instead of food and a trip to the bank means a trip to the back yard with a shovel. These people imprison hundreds of pets in their house letting them starve, die and defecate amongst the four tonnes of newspapers. They believe they are responsible animal lovers when they are in fact torturing dogs and cats to compensate for their own social problems. If there is even a slim chance one of them is reading this right now let me just say,
“Mustard Potato, Potato Jesus, Tomato Nixon, Santa!”
Translation: Seek help immediately you are fucked in the head.
The fate of these individuals should be that of the one bestowed upon the evil bitch in the end of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers…Wow, first I name drop The Darkling and now Sleepwalkers, sorry but some of the greatest comedy on earth is unintentional and can be found in the obscurity of the horror genre. If you haven’t seen Sleepwalkers click the first link and read this dude’s synopsis or just look at the hilarious pictures, it’s fucking great. I’ve also attached another one of his reviews that no one on earth should miss…it is a film about a herd of murderous sheep who thirst for blood, the pics will change your life, look out for the one of the man having his genitalia stretched and pulled so terrifyingly taught it’s ready to snap off like a piece of hot taffy…I will never wear wool again.
http://headinjurytheater.com/article85.htm
http://headinjurytheater.com/article91.htm
Observe,
Miley Cyrus and father Billy Ray.
“Too much teeth babe! Quick, someone pass the mint jelly!”
I can think of nothing else in this world that I’d rather leave upon your innocent minds so…
Godspeed Luke.
HAHAHAHHA
I agree with you on them all and actually learned new things to hate.
Since the day I met you I imagined you in a dress. Now that you’ve spilled all of your darkest fears/hates I feel a little more attracted to you.
re: cat ladies
re: my ex boyfriend’s apartment (not just the building, his actual apartment, # 501)
http://www.montrealmirror.com/2007/071207/news1.html