7. Tiger Woods

Before you brand me as some moron who knows nothing about the sport, I spent most of my youth golfing, I have a relatively low cap and I watch boatloads of golf, especially the majors. So don’t yell at me over that.

I’m not even going to argue that he isn’t the best… cause he is.

I play with many racial issues in this post. I want to assure the reader that I don’t factor in Tiger’s race in anyway when I assess my dislike for him as a golfer. I do however feel that Tiger’s race has been a source for his popularity, personally I am glad that a sport I took so seriously throughout high school is becoming a multicultural and international game. I am worried however that race and nationality play too much of a role in assessing an individual’s greatness. My hatred for Tiger Woods has nothing to do with him as a person, like it does with the Joseph Fritzl’s or Jim Jones’ of the world. He clearly is a better person than these individuals. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t do more with his enormous gift. I expect to be slaughtered in the comment section. Enjoy:

Will someone please get me a diamond faced scoring wedge so I can shave the shit-eating grin off this guy’s face? Since this dude won his first major over ten years ago every middle age white man in America have been slaves to Tiger’s dick. And ever since I was branded as a racist for telling some cretin kid down the street from me that I don’t like Tiger, I’ve been secretly hoping the dude gets struck by lightning while rounding Amen Corner. I’ll obviously concede that Tiger’s got game, in fact, no person living or deceased has ever been remotely as good as this guy. He’ll drain impossible putts, hit 360 yard drives like it’s nothing, and still have time to make some quip after the round which every dumbass in the room will chuckle over. There are two reasons why I hate Tiger Woods, the first reason Tiger has no control over, the other he has complete control over: his following and how he handles his success.

The Following

Dude’s a fucking towel, he plays golf, and somehow he has been raised to the status of demi-God. Is it because he plays golf really well? No. Because he does so much community work? No, no. It’s because he is black. “Luke! That’s a horrible connection and is based on a ridiculous bias and subjective analysis of a guy you don’t know.” You’re right it is. I’m a terrible person, but listen to this, a few years ago Vijay Singh went on an absurd run of golf. Dude won like ten tournaments over the year, did anyone give a shit other than Jason Sobel and Johnny Miller? Nope. They were all discussing the slump Tiger was in, “When is Tiger going to be back? When will the Tiger roar again? Do you think he would prefer me topping or bottoming him?” Vijay’s glorious season was a non-event and Tiger playing garbage golf was the talk of the town.

Tiger isn’t just the best golfer in the world. He is golf. And that’s not fair at all to the Justin Rose’s, Adam Scott’s, and Sergio Garcia’s of the world. Guys who work just as hard as Tiger, put up ridiculous scores, and have electric personalities on the course, but no one could pick them out on the street… not even the average fan. Really in this facet of my hatred I can’t blame Tiger, he was the kid Middle America could embrace and make themselves feel a little less racist. He was destined for superstar status even if he ended up being only a top twenty player. He had to become your favourite golfer, because you couldn’t cheer against the only black guy who was throwing up decent numbers. It’s an American mentality I see in the Middle states, where people are so afraid of racism that they fear by not liking an athlete who is a minority, they are somehow perpetuating racism. When in truth, they are just looking like complete dumbasses.

“But Luke, what about all the other black golfers on the PGA tour, why aren’t they superstars?” My answer is simple, there are none. There is not one golfer other than Tiger Woods on the PGA tour who is black. And here my friends is the kicker, Tiger is more Asian than he is black. Why does that fact always seem to trickle into the background? It’s because being Asian and a golfer is not as fascinating; KJ Choi, Anthony Kim, and Charlie Wi, have had great success on tour.

Of course I could be wrong, people might just like him simply because he is the best, however, as stated above this argument doesn’t hold up when we see that for a brief period of time Vijay Singh did the impossible and actually overtook Tiger as number one in the world… and nobody cared. His popularity has a great deal to do with his success, however, it is the fact that he is ‘black’ that causes him to be everyone’s glory boy. Again, this is something Tiger has absolutely no control over and I obviously don’t fault him, it is the deliriously stupid affluent middle America following that causes me to hate Tigermania.

Tiger’s Handling of His Greatness

Here is an individual who is so massive that he could actually transcend the game of golf and fix racial and social issues in his country merely by opening his mouth… but he doesn’t. One such incident was the crisis at Augusta National a few years ago. Augusta National is the home of the Masters, the most prestigious golf tournament in the world. However the course has been heavily criticized for it’s invitation-only membership system. Of the 300 members, not one is female, and only recently was the first invitation to a black man offered. There was actually a point in time when black men were playing in the Masters full well knowing that Augusta would turn them away any other time in the year. In 2003, Augusta’s exclusionary measures were supported by the KKK who celebrated the fact Augusta hasn’t offered membership to women. Straight up, when the KKK is supporting you, you should probably change your policy. Anyway, Tiger, merely by threatening to not play could have changed all of that, Augusta would have folded instantly at the thought of losing corporate sponsorships, ticket sales, and television deals. But Tiger didn’t open his mouth, he played amidst women rights groups protesting and the KKK cheering.

It is probably why he is the best in the world, he simply does not care about anything other than his own game, and that’s fine… just as long as you are not the global ambassador to a sport that has made you a millionaire many times over. As Peter Parker’s uncle said “with great power, comes great responsibility,” if you want to make this sport something more than a rich white man’s game, all you have to do is make a few comments. And not these kinds of comments:

Yep, the most memorable thing Tiger has ever said is “God damn. You fucking prick.” Typical golf talk, but not when millions of people, especially kids, look up to you as a role model.

Maybe I’m just delusional, Tiger has changed this sport forever, more kids are golfing and general golf etiquette is never a bad thing to learn. However, he remains the lone black man in the sport. If you want to find the next best black golfer, you have to look to the Nationwide Tour for a journeyman named Tim O’Neil who up until recently spent 45 weeks a year at tournaments and was up before dawn to practice his game. In 2008 he was offered a sponsors exemption to play on the tour and Will Smith actually funds a lot of his travel because he simply gets no help from outside groups. As Tiger basks in the never ending brightness of being the best, Tim O’Neil is getting another nine in after dark. As Tiger hoists another Clarett Jug and puts on another Green Jacket, Tim O’Neil is playing to put food on the table. And after Tim O’Neil there is nobody, O’Neil might sneak onto the tour with an incredible Q School one year, but in all likelihood he’ll fade into obscurity as someone who was a missed putt or an errant drive away from being what Tiger is. That is why I don’t like Tiger Woods, all he had to do was open his mouth and he could have changed this game in many wonderful ways. He could have represented what a black man can do in a game historically dominated by wealthy white men. Instead, he will only represent what a black man has done in a game historically dominated by wealthy white men.

As Tiger lays in his mansion this weekend, taking time off to rest before the British Open, a tournament he is of course favoured to win, Tim O’neil is up before dawn, getting another bucket of balls in before the course even opens. Has Tiger really opened up doors for the black man (and woman) in this game?

~ by thingsifuckinghate on June 24, 2008.