9. The San Antonio Spurs

The Face of Basketball: Big, Boring, Idiots

Over the past ten years, no team has been as consistently good as the San Antonio Spurs. Although you can’t quite classify them as a dynasty, they surely are as close as you can get. You’d be foolish at the beginning of every season not to pick San Antonio to win the championship. They have hands down the best starting line up in the league and are always the favourite come playoff time, put simply, they are the one team you don’t want to play in the post-season. That being said, I fucking hate these clowns, each and every player on this team is so boring I literally can’t watch them for more than thirty seconds. Their choice of the two least exciting colours, white and gray, doesn’t help either. Their stadium is boring, the city they play for is boring, and their style of play is dreadfully boring. Join me as I dissect my own hatred for the San Antonio Spurs, number nine on the Things I Fucking Hate.

The Players

Good God! It is a miracle in itself that the twelve least exciting players in the league joined forces in one collective unit. Let’s run through the starting line up shall we?

Point Guard - Tony Parker

The most exciting thing about this guy’s game is that he’s boning Eva Longoria. At least we know his sex life couldn’t possibly be like his game on the court, because she would have left him after she realized he was good during the build up, but when the going got tough he shits the bed. Parker is known to put up serious regular season numbers, especially in the paint, but come playoff time he falls out of the limelight. Dude also bitches like a soccer player, perhaps this is due to the fact he grew up in France, but every call ever made against him causes Tony to open his mouth in complete shock like the refs are idiots. Ya, you’re probably right, they were idiots for the over 250 fouls you got last year, every single time.

Small Forward - Bruce Bowen

Straight up the dirtiest player in the league. If you took Darius Miles, Ron Artest, Paul Bernardo, and Josef Fritzl, and somehow created a child from all their DNA, you’d probably get Bruce Bowen Lite. Vince Carter and Ray Allen have spoken out about how Bowen actually puts his foot under a player when he shoots making it incredibly unsafe for the shooter to land, it’s that type of shit that ends careers. Bruce Bowen would slit your achilles tendon with a rusty knife if he knew he wouldn’t get called for it. Hell he’d slit your mother’s achilles tendon if he knew he could get away with it. This guy is dirty, he belongs in a mental institution, he kicks, punches, and steps on ankles. He is good at what he does, playing defense and ruining player’s careers with cheap shots.

Power Forward - Tim Duncan

Am I the only one who is certain this guy is some sort of robot from the 50s? Dude has no personality. Nobody likes Tim Duncan… nobody. He might be one of the ten best players of all time, but nobody likes him. Really it all boils down to his style of play, he catches the ball two feet from the hoop and instead of dunking it down, gently places it in the basket. He does this twelve to fourteen times a game. He also is a poor sport, jumping up a down like a toddler who didn’t get his toy every time a foul is called on him. I wonder if he has any idea how silly a seven foot, 250 lbs monster looks jumping up and down while bitching like a baby. Tim Duncan is the worst thing that has ever happened to basketball, if you’re not throwing down dunks and draining threes like Kobe and Lebron at least have some sort of personality like Garnett or O’Neil. Dude’s a complete towel, the world would be infinitely less boring if Tim Duncan fell off the face of the Earth.

Center - Fabricio Oberto

This greased up assclown is the lost player in San Antonio’s roster. Although calling Argentina home, he looks more like a product of a trailer park in Permian, Texas. He would not be in the NBA if he did not have Tim Duncan, Manu, and Tony Parker doing 95% of the work for him and gobbling up most of their cap space. He plays for San Antonio because they cannot afford anyone else. Basically he exists in the four seconds when Duncan misses a free throw and he has to box out an opponent, even then he looks perpetually lost in a sea of talent. This guy starts for the best team in recent memory and averages a whopping five points, five rebounds per game. I imagine I could put up better numbers if you put me on stilts, he has the talent of some retarded fish frog.

Shooting Guard - Manu Ginobili

Hands down the most talented player on the team, however he is also the biggest fairy to ever play the sport. If I wanted to watch ballet, I’d buy tickets for ballet, but this isn’t ballet Manu, this is basketball. Again, here is someone who probably has seen one too many soccer games in his native Argentina and thought ‘what the hell, I’ll just flop all over the floor every time someone touches me.’ So far it’s worked for him, he’s been able to cheat his way to being an NBA All-Star and Sixth Man of the Year. But if he ever gets a foul called on him, he’ll cry like his mother has just been shot. The dude is either an incredibly good actor or was born made entirely of straw, either way he’s a huge loser.

Manu was actually going to be in this commercial but he had a scheduling conflict…

The Coach

Holy smokes! Will someone get Greg Popovich a stylist, or at least a face that doesn’t look like he just exited a burn victims unit? I’ve met baseball gloves that are less leathery than this guy. His personality reeks of douche as well, he acts as if he is some guru and deserves free blow jobs for his work when, in truth, he has just been shit lucky with the players who have rolled through his organization. His post game comments are nonsensical dribble, better fit for a convention on speech impediments than basketball. The fact that he is the man behind the magic of the most boring organization in history doesn’t surprise me, everything from his hideous face to his slashed up tongue is just fucking ridiculous.

I say all of this but next season these dirty bitches will go 58-24, make the playoffs, and be projected to win again. They are like some futuristic computer, you can’t stop them, either you learn to love them or they will beat your team 4-1 in the conference semis. I would die a happy man if I could witness this franchise fold or at least miss the playoffs for a decade or two.

~ by thingsifuckinghate on June 22, 2008.