58. Toronto and/or Ontario

“Yours to discover.” This is the motto of Ontario found on all license plates, historical sites and dilapidated rest stops. After having lived here for thirteen years, I’m making my biannual return to this desolate wasteland of the damned. “Yours to discover,” leads the unsuspecting eye to believe that there actually is something wonderful to discover. Well… Ontario has the armpit of the universe in the steel town of Hamilton, the bustling metropolis of Toronto which perpetually smells like a bowl full of transient, and Ottawa: Canada’s biggest miss. If you are into scenery and getting away from it all, we have Algonquin Park, where millionaires try to camp and trailer park boys leave their children’s soiled diapers. We have Northern Ontario which is Canada’s take on the Third World, and we have our four great lakes, with a plethora of disease, toxins, and Jimmy Hoffa.

If you’re into sports boy does Ontario have a treat for you: the storied hockey franchise, the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is where ignorant tourists and deliriously stupid hockey fans fork over $350 a ticket to watch a hockey team consistently lose. There has never been a more profitable franchise in the NHL, but when the owners (the Ontario Teacher’s Union) understand they are sitting on a cash cow and will sell out every game even if they sent Junior B guys out there, why bother dropping big money on big players? Toronto has sold out nearly every single game since the last time they won the cup, which stretches back before the moon landing. We have the Toronto Blue Jays, who are cool, except they play in a stadium named after one of Canada’s most hated persons, Ted Rogers. If professional sports isn’t your fancy, take in one of Ontario’s many youth hockey leagues, you’ll witness young boys and girls age two and a half be constantly yelled at by their parents who are trying to live vicariously through their children.

If you aren’t from Canada or haven’t ever taken in Ontario’s splendor, I’ll do my best to draw a comparison for you, if you are from America, think of how annoying Texas is, that’s Ontario for the rest of Canada. Really, the majority of Ontario’s douchebaggery stems from a big asshole shaped stain that hugs the western end of Lake Ontario, otherwise known as the Greater Toronto Area, or the Golden Horseshoe. Close to a quarter of the entire population of Canada resides in this relatively small slab of land which extends as far south as the New York border. This is not only where elitism and douchebaggery reigns supreme, but these wonderful traits are cultivated here in a magnificent way. Canada is a massive country, with many cultures, and two official languages, but only two types of people live in Canada: those from the GTA and those who aren’t. Here’s the funny thing about Toronto’s elitism, there is nothing to base if off of, Quebeckers are elitist because of their fashion, culture, etc. However, Toronto is a hole with many rich people and many poor people, there is no culture, it’s just a big place where people live.

Picking out the average Torontonian might be difficult for an individual not from Canada or even Ontario, but having lived 100km west of Toronto for five years I’ve picked up on the subtleties.

1. If you are a guy: you play hockey, played hockey, or profess to know everything about hockey. An Ontario high school hockey player is something to stay away from. Ladies planning on visiting the area for the first time be weary, Ontario hockey players are bros in protective gear, this only adds to their cockiness, providing them a shell over their otherwise feeble frames. They talk like they’ve been beaten in the head all day everyday for their entire lives. This leaves them with a dumbass slur comparable to Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond (tune in a few weeks from now, you just might see more on that show). Also, dumb as stones, these guys will either go to the OHL or an Ivy League School solely for their insane hockey abilities, or realize their dreams were instilled into them by their parents, quit playing hockey, and attend the University of Western Ontario, notorious for jamming its institution with a bunch of General Arts students who can’t spell their own name.

This becomes a vicious cycle because really if you failed at becoming a star, you’ll place all your hopes in your offspring, they’ll fail, and place it on their offspring. All it takes is giving a kid a book instead of a hockey stick to break the typical mold, or here’s a thought… why not give them both?

2. If you are a girl, you are probably annoying. If you have any idea what a typical Toronto girl might look like, close your eyes and get a mental image in your head. Got it? Does she have sort of brownish frizzy hair, pulled back but left messy? Does she represent an indistinguishable race? Is she wearing Uggs? Is she overally loud and smoking a Belmont Mild? Yaaaa she is. Before you freak out on me I’m describing my conception of the average Toronto girl, the vapid, goof-ball type, who likes Sean Desman and gets drunk off one cooler. Economic status? Don’t worry about it, she’s worth more than the Sultan of Brunei because her dad owns a bunch of semi-legitimate construction companies, she’ll never work a day in her life and end up marrying a guy twenty years her senior who will be her ‘sugar-daddy’. Fuck, I kinda want to be a Toronto girl.

The problem I have I suppose with Toronto in general is that it represents everything that Canada isn’t. Canada is decidedly different from its neighbors to the south and often we hold these differences with pride. However, with a murder rate comparable to some American cities, problems with gun control, and an apparent arrogance the rivals cities in Middle America, I am reluctant to call Toronto part of Canada without any disdain or shame. It’s this sick sense of entitlement Toronto has bestowed upon itself, a feeling that because it’s the biggest city in Canada and the 4^th biggest city in North America, it should be respected. Sound like an ally of ours? Toronto is nothing more than a moral territory of the United States, sure it rests within our boundaries, but it postures itself as an economic giant and everybody in Canada hates the city for it.

All is not lost though; I propose a trade to the United States: Canada sends Toronto, Hamilton, and the draft rights to the North Pole in exchange for the states of Washington, Minnesota, Vermont, and the draft rights to either Guam or Puerto Rico in 2011. I just don’t see Toronto’s fuckery getting any better before it gets much worse, dip-packing hockey players outnumber normal people in our high schools, teenage girls are getting louder and louder, and there seems to be shots on the block every week now. My message to Toronto: revamp your whole image, focus more on your culture, limit the arrogance and just be a Canadian instead of a Torontonian. Or hire a cleaning service and get your city to stop smelling like poo, at least make an effort to pretend like you give a shit about the rest of Canada.

~ by thingsifuckinghate on April 28, 2008.