59. Meet The Shitheads (Guest Blog)

Aaron Seltzer, Jason Friedberg, Dane Cook

Ed
Scherrer (author/not a shithead)

I’m just going to start out and clear up that I
don’t actually hate any person at all
really. I must say though I am enjoying blast fishing from behind the safety of
my laptop for this site. I also don’t think anything I post here should be
taken too seriously as to where they rank. In no way do these guys deserve the
same hatred that some of the menaces on
this site do, namely the ones that have claimed the souls of living women and
children to satisfy and serve their own murderous megalomania and delusions of
grandeur (Jim Jones, Kim Jung Il, Messy Poos).

In addition I don’t even know why I am writing this
one, there is nothing achievable here. I feel like a father at the supermarket
whose toddler is throwing a tantrum in the candy isle and I don’t know what to
do anymore: I can’t smack him because we are in public – uh, I mean because it’s
socially corrupt, I can’t just give him whatever he wants all the time because he
would eventually just end up on a site like this, and lastly I can’t very well
reason or yell at him because he just yells back at me louder and louder crying
more and more sweet delicious tears of despair, which again, I cannot drink
because we are in publi – uh…yeah. Where was I? Oh yeah, basically with this
you will either completely agree with me or claim I am an elitist without a
sense of humour or know nothing about cinema, and maybe I don’t, because I am
literally at a loss for how sober people can enjoy, respect, and pay for the
following movies.

Date
Movie

Epic
Movie

Meet
the Spartans

If you are management material and ever come across
this resume and it highlights both writing and directing credits have your
secretary bring you in some fresh premium coffee so you may scald the gentlemen
sitting across from you.

Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg are a cinematic
cancer – a thorn in an industry already well accomplished in shit mongering,
smut peddling and soul reaping. If you like these movies I do not hate you, I rather
feel sorry for us all. This isn’t an elitist talking this is common sense.
These movies are the most unfunny, irrelevant and poorly written movies of our
time. They have turned the subtle art of the parody into an onscreen orgy of
overplayed pop culture references, gross out jokes and miserable plot. I just
got through Meet the Spartans and (after crying in the shower for two hours)
did some research. Did you know it was actually the third movie of a trilogy?
To fully understand the intricate comedic timing, complex characters and
delicate social commentary in the film you should first have your head smashed
in by Frank Thomas and his piece of rebar followed by open brain surgery
performed by Curious George and an ice cream scoop. Skip the popcorn, balls of
tinfoil makes this experience somewhat tolerable, and don’t bother getting a
fountain drink either, Drano margaritas on me.

Much like my dislike for Flava, my hate is principally
founded on the fact that these guys not only get to keep making these abominations
while talented filmmakers get shafted, but that they are also making millions
of dollars doing it. How do these guys sleep at night? Seriously, they fart
once under the covers and they are liable to giggle to themselves until dawn,
possibly even asphyxiate. In fact, I assume the vast majority of these guy’s
inspiration actually comes from sleeping over at each other’s houses in their Ninja
Turtles sleeping bags (no disrespect) doing exactly this all the while afraid they
might wet the bed. It is only when morning comes do they realize they both
share the same embarrassing affliction. These guys have a technical talent, I’ll
admit they possess the base skills to light and shoot films, but they sure as
hell can’t make them funny. They have become rich without even putting out a
single original concept yet – genius. They have built a career founded on other
peoples work and coupled it with lame over stated commercial jokes usually
written with some kind of bodily fluid or spastic body movement in mind.

Say, does this sound like anyone else we know? Dane
Cook has received a lot of criticism from both comedians and people not
licensed to be funny alike. He was voted the worst comedian in the world in a
radio poll, he allegedly steals jokes, he has no punch lines, he has no
innovative material etc. Despite all this he still remains the most popular
comedian in the world. I agree fully with most of the criticisms and normally
I’d say if you find him funny that would be cool. But there is literally a
following known as the Dane Train
that not only religiously laughs and quotes his antics but condemns anyone who
tries to write about how unfunny this guy actually is. Look at any forum on the
internet that reams Cook and you’ll notice it has been flooded by fans calling
the authors “fags” or “morons” just for hating Dane Cook. Some people even use
his “hotness” to defend the allegations, as if having a pretty face somehow
justifies his act and should earn him a laugh and friendship. I guess they are
just reciprocating what has so far been the template of their own social/sex
lives. Some other people refute the “no punch lines” claim by calling Cook a
“storyteller”. Yes, I can just see him telling his coked out “stories” as the
sophisticated raconteur at a dinner party. His anecdotes would have him spitting
in your face when he talks, sticking bread sticks up his ass and losing his
pants on the chandelier all before swing dancing grandma into a heart attack.

Some people are seriously offended by the idea that others
don’t find this guy funny. It’s great if you find something funny that I don’t,
but if I have to be subjected to all the obnoxious quotations, merchandise and
corporate propaganda being thrown in my face you can at least let me counter
this with my own distaste for it, I try and do it with comedy of my own I guess.
What is the deal with not being allowed to hate tastes of humour anyways? If
anything you’d think that could be the one thing that you should be able to rip
on. Dane Cook is not the worst comedian. He is however the most over paid and
overrated. He is an egotistical hack who thrives on a marketed cult of
personality that he wields not unlike…hey how about Jim Jones? I don’t know
about you but I could easily see Cook ending a set as such:

“OK! Whoa. Repeat after me: ‘Oh no Mr. Kool Aid.’ ”

The crowd then responds.

“Oh no Mr.
Kool Aid.”

“Oh NO Mr Kool Aid!!!”

“Oh
NO Mr. Kool Aid!!!”

“You are top heavy Mr. Kool Aid!!!”

“You are top
heavy Mr. Kool Aid!!!”

“Now everybody look under your seats! There you will
find a cup of top heavy Not So Kool Aid! DRINK IT! I DANE COOK COMMAND YOU!

And everyone in Dane Cook’s vicious circle jerk
drinks his Kool Aid, and everyone dies, what an asshole. Anyone see the movie
Mr. Brooks? It was subpar until Cook had his head bashed in with a shovel by
Kevin Costner – Though I must say I’m surprised this killed him, he must have
taken hundreds of blows to the head like this in his other movies only to pop
back up and play to a mild comedic effect – You know that obnoxious limb
flailing he does, like he is fighting back what will soon be the ghost of his
career. If this frustrates anyone else, see this movie, he stays down for good
and is buried in an unmarked grave.

I understand people have different ideas of what is
funny. I am just discouraged that marketability has not only conquered
mainstream comedy, but has done so in a way that has somewhat sapped out all
innovation and well, talent as far as I’m concerned: Aaron Seltzer, Jason
Friedberg, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Larry The Cable Guy…

I know I can’t change a sense of humour, hell I
wouldn’t if I could because it’s diversity that propels comedy forward. But
guys like Seltzer, Friedberg and Cook counter this by lumping everyone into a
single amorphous demographic that makes production studios and media moguls
drool. To me comedy, all kinds, is the most unmarketable presence in the world,
something that you can never bottle and sell. Sadly, it’s happening a lot these
days. Well that’s my opinion. If you have ever considered what you are watching
and found it funny for yourself and are not just laughing because other people
are laughing and it happens to be to Meet the Spartans or Dane Cook, this is
not meant to rip on you, even though it comes across that way. To the others,
the kids in the candy isles, I give up. Go ahead kid, eat all the damn candy
you want, ruin your appetite, you are adopted anyway.

Rabid Cook fans please spare me your hate mail. Just
reread this again but replace your own voice with Dane’s. That should make it
automatically hilarious and thus more enjoyable for you.

~ by thingsifuckinghate on April 26, 2008.