1. God

I’m not writing this to deliver any ontological proofs for the existence of God nor will I offer any scientific evidence that proves that He doesn’t exist. Rather, this post will describe why I hate the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (the Judeo-Christian God) more than anything else in the whole world. I will try to deliver a fair and unbiased perspective that outlines the justification for this hate. I do not wish to offend anyone who has God in their hearts; I simply want to organize my thoughts on something I completely detest.

For sake of argument, let’s assume for the duration of this post that God does in fact exist, that the Bible is more or less the Word of God and that it’s true, enjoy:

God is a Misogynist

We must first assume that for God to be worthy of our complete devotion He must possess three qualities: he must be omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. These qualities are claimed in various contexts in both the Hebrew Scriptures and New Testament. However the first story in the Bible, the creation of the world, immediately displays that God is flawed. We see God place a tree from which Adam and Eve cannot eat from, a tree which Eve subsequently does eat from. Either God could not foresee this human error (he isn’t omniscient), created a flawed creature in His image (he isn’t omnipotent), or knew that Eve’s blunder would be justification for the Church Fathers to limit women for the rest of history (he isn’t omnibenevolent). We see Biblical references which show God not only favours man, but also sets up a scenario in which women can be easily hated and blamed from that day forward, Genesis 16-19 reads:

To the woman (God) said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”

Whoa, in four verses God made women serve their husbands, he then punished men for listening to women by condemning them to death. Eternal life in paradise was no longer possible and the only certainty was death. Why would God do this? Why would God separate the sexes in such a way that one was enormously favoured by Him and the other made clearly inferior? It’s because He’s either not omnibenevolent or just really ignorant.

God is Hate

It’s commonly maintained by a lot of Christians that although the Hebrew Scriptures show a God who killed, tortured, and ruined lives, that all of this was justified and His love was proven upon the death and resurrection of Jesus in the New Testament. So God hates us, teases us, watches us as we suffer in the Old Testament and then says, through his Son, “it’s ok, you can know Me now.” Are you kidding me!!?

Basically to build on what I’m trying to say here I’ll give you a quick and dirty version of how God’s love comes through in the end.

• God blesses Abraham and his descendants declaring them to be the chosen people. A promise is made that one day they will be saved.
• God builds on this by creating a set of Laws explained by Moses, that, if followed correctly could gain the individual righteousness. These Laws however could not be fulfilled, people tried their entire lives, but they basically contradict human nature.
• A lot of suffering, Jews stay together expecting the promise of God to be fulfilled.
• Christ comes, declaring to be the Son of God, Son of Man, and the Saviour of Humanity. He dies for our sins those allowing us to know God through Christ. Promise is fulfilled.

It would appear that God did good in the end. Na, it is just Machivallian tripe, thousands devoted their entire lives to serving you and you watched them suffer to prove a point. If my best friend needs a liver to live and I remove the liver of some stranger for my friend to have life, am I really doing good? Because that’s pretty much what you did, you condemned many good people to death, in order to give people in a post-Christ world access to eternal life. Fair? No.

God is Ambiguous

We have thousands of denominations that profess to know the true meaning of God’s Word. The Catholic Church, the Orthodox Church, Protestants, Pentecostals, Snake Handlers, Mormons, etc, all claim that they see the face of God. The trouble with this is that although these religions place Christ at the center of their devotion, the means from which they see God vary. The Catholic Church structures it’s belief system into something very worldly, demanding the follower to undertake a series of sacraments to enter into a community with Christ. Protestants who follow the teachings of Calvin hold that God has already predetermined whom He feels is worthy of His Kingdom. Faith in Protestantism is paramount, pushing aside what is thought to be the very archaic teachings of the Catholic Church. Pentecostals stress a more spiritual relationship with God, entering a bond that is so linked that many actually speak in an indistinguishable language known only by God. Snake Handlers display their love for God and Christ by playing with snakes, a sign of unwavering faith and expectation that God will save them from all trouble.

Of the two billion adherents to Christianity, not one faction holds a majority in terms of followers, and as we see new denominations sprout up and new reforms on already existing faiths develop, this face of God becomes more blurred and diluted. At one point in time, a few centuries after Christ, this image was clear, and although the Christ movement was new, it was also revolutionary, painting a seemingly perfect picture of who God was. However, after the Church severed into the Western Church (Catholicism) and the Eastern Church (Orthodox) who God was would never be agreed upon again. Add onto this the teachings of Luther and Calvin, the words of Joseph Smith or the merits of Liberation Theology and you are left with a very confused, disoriented population.

As someone who studies religions, I can’t help but feel a sense of frustration at the current state of Christianity. Something that is supposed to be about love, transcendence, and happiness, has descended into this posturing effort by individuals who want to assert their personal beliefs over millions. How can God look at this situation and feel that this is good for His creation? If God is omniscient He surely knows and understands that we are intellectually feeble and seemingly unable to firmly grasp the right way. Is God guiding us to the right path? How can He be? The world is moving towards secularism and Christianity has deteriorated into a dick measuring contest.

I suppose this has left me incredibly angry at God, because if He exists I have been neglected by Him, He must know my struggles in accepting Him as something good in my life. I entered religious studies at McGill to sort of survey Christianity and attempt to understand my struggles with believing in an invisible entity. But everyday I get more frustrated and more confused. Thanks God.

Why He Matters?

We have two options: first, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is the God who sent his only begotten Son to deliver us from evil, and only He will judge whether we are worthy to live with Him in an eternal paradise. Or second, He isn’t real or He isn’t the God, He is just a fable created through a collection of other pagan stories. If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, His image as some all knowing, all powerful figure is a sham, and over two billion people have bought into it. We’ve fought, murdered, and conquered in the name of something that is no more real than Santa Claus. If He does exist, we have a very powerful entity watching over us, this entity may or may not love us, and this entity has the power to send us to eternal happiness or suffer in a pit of fire.

If my whole existence is some lifetime leap of faith where every action is being judged by God, then my existence is not mine, it is God’s. When I die I will either go to heaven and live in HIS Kingdom, be surrounded in HIS love, and live in an eternity provided by HIM, or I will be tossed away and live in a world very far away from God.

If I knew for a fact God existed, if I was absolutely certain, I still would not accept Him into my heart. I would hold onto the only eighty years or so of life that could be unquestionably mine, living in my body. If studying religion has taught me one thing, it is that God’s love is something I don’t want. I don’t want the love of an individual who is a misogynist, homophobe, and racist.

I fucking hate God.

2. The United States of America

This isn’t me ripping on Americans. This is me ripping on America.

Here it is folks, the biggest welfare state in the west, where the working poor literally fights for survival, where children can get sick and are denied access to premium health care, where kids are recruited to fight in a war that doesn’t make sense, and where you can be imprisoned for an extended period of time without trial. This isn’t a police state or an authoritarian regime, this isn’t a third world country or an aristocracy, no, this is the land of the free and the home of the brave. This is the United States, the most dangerous entity to global security the world has ever known.

The States currently sits 12th on the Human Development Index which surveys the average quality of life of a nation’s citizens. Straight up, this can’t be accurate. How can a nation where a mother of four has to work three jobs just to pay the bills be among the world’s elite? How can a nation so far up the list make it’s citizens pay for health care? How can a nation bill itself as prosperous and the greatest country on Earth when it’s total public debt (mortgages, insurance, basically every debt included) is a staggering 59.1 trillion dollars, more wealth than it actually has on hand. Not good. But that’s the American dream, success at any cost, consume, rape, pillage, whatever it takes to get to the top as an individual. The United States has it’s hand firmly grappling the genitals of so many countries it’s sickening, troops deployed in South Korea, they are guzzling oil like a hooker on dollar night in Saudi Arabia, they’ve invaded Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam and have installed puppet regimes all over Central America. Their justification for this is global security, when, in truth it is all about global posturing, preparing for the moment where they’ll need to snap off the genitals of these nations and gobble them down their greedy mouths.

Family in Los Angeles, father has a college education.

As I sit nestled in my Canadian paradise, equipped with a working economy and relatively void of a social hierarchy that resembles 16th century France, I can’t help but worry. Worry that the economic ‘powerhouse’ that sits to my south is going to descend into fiscal despair and social revolt. I worry that this country, Canada’s largest trading partner, is heading down an abyss from which it cannot escape. I worry that it’s friendly culture of foot-long hot dogs and milkshakes is going to be the largest third world nation in the Western Hemisphere.

Every time I tune into the American media, I scream at the top of my lungs, I look for the nearest blunt object to bash my eyes out, and can only pray that somehow my television explodes. The whole thing appears to be one massive social conditioning experiment, “God bless America! The American Dream! Patriotism!,” this is a very flawed way of teaching the masses because it simply cannot continue for an extended period of time. Most “Western” countries have moved away from nationalism and individualism and have settled on protecting the common good of humanity. The homeless in Germany live relatively comfortable lives, children in Europe go to school knowing they can attend university for free. The businessman in Oslo or Munich goes to work knowing that he not only is providing for his family, but also families less fortunate than his. Even in Canada, this remains a dream, an ideal that I hope one day I will wake up to. I fear however that this wonderful concept will never even enter the minds of the impoverished families that make up the lower class of America.

Mike earns his money giving blood… eight dollars a day.

What I fear the most however is that America will refuse to right its ways, it will continue to consume and fill it’s type two diabetes belly with the world’s riches. It will drill in Alaska, suck the Middle East dry, and point it’s dirty little terrorist finger of blame at Iran. More teenagers will be shipped him home in coffins and more families will starve on the streets of St. Louis, Detroit, and New York.

If this is the American dream, I don’t want to be there for the nightmare.

Coming up next is the one thing I hate more than anything else. Ninety-nine blogs and then after tomorrow I might never write again. Can I hate what something represents so much that I feel nauseous? Can I place that hate in my heart and let it grow and cultivate into something that causes me anxiety attacks, murderous rage, and a perpetual migraine? Can I live for a moment in that hate, drenched in elitism and patriotism, slathered in extra larges and mass hysteria? Can I take all that hate cultivated in my heart and for one moment, one instant, spew perfect hatred? I can. I hope I can. Ladies and Gentlemen, my heart is full.

3. Homophobia

Will someone get me a knife so I can slice the seminal vesicle or fallopian tube (don’t want to be gender exclusive!) of every little fucker who refers to an inanimate object as ‘gay’. For serious, you’re making yourself look like a donkey douche, and you’re just embarrassing everyone else who has to associate themselves with you. This is the third issue in a row where a certain group is protected under the law in my country, but still suffer difficult setbacks in our heteronormative culture.

We inappropriately create a binary scale with regards to sexual orientation, really it’s difficult to imagine that as a heterosexual I’m just as straight as every other heterosexual on the Earth. To me this is the first problem with homophobia in our culture, we treat it as something that is an Other, something that we can’t associate with because we are so fundamentally different from their lifestyle. I can’t help but be angered at how axiomatically flawed this lens is, this is similar to the race issue, the whole “I’m white, he’s black, we’re different” mentality. It is so 1950s and leaves us with a face of progression that is pockmarked and scarred.

“But Luke, how do we fix something that is so entrenched in the hearts of many people?” Simple, train yourself to be apathetic to sexual orientation, simply don’t give a fuck if a guy/girl is into a girl or a guy or a transgendered individual. Sexual preference represents so little about who an individual is. Start with yourself, don’t align yourself with a particular sexuality, date who you want, fuck who you want.

Really for me it all boils down to language and words. Identifying as gay or straight is simply yet another label that defines the individual, which to me makes no sense. This issue with words extends into the ridiculously stupid debate on gay marriage, many opponents of gay marriage will say, “have a civil union, but don’t take our word.” This is just homophobic bullshit, Christ heteros, you should be so lucky, going your entire life not having to constantly reveal yourself as a heterosexual and catching flak for it. The fact opponents of gay marriage want to put linguistic road blocks in the way of people being happy is unfair and selfish. I’m glad Canada has pushed through the gay marriage issue, however the possibility of this being overturned in the future scares the shit out of me.

Really, relative to what goes on in the rest of the world, being gay in the west is a paradise. The following is a list of countries where homosexuality is heavily punished:

Bangladesh – Life in prison to death.

Iran – Prison for life (in many cases).

Saudi Arabia – Death.

UAE – Death

Barbados – Life in prison.

Jamaica – Ten years hard labour.

Trinidad and Tobago – 25 years.

Guyana – Life in prison.

Many African countries have punishments ranging from prison sentences to execution.

All of this because of who an individual loves. Gay movements are forced underground in many of these countries, leaving homosexuals perpetually terrified of being caught for something they can’t avoid.

A homosexual in the west is left with an unfortunate dilemma, either remain silent about who they are attracted to their entire lives, or have to constantly reveal themselves as being gay not knowing how their sexuality is going to be perceived. Next time you think about calling something or someone gay just because it’s the easiest word to say, think about who you might be offending. Think that the person you are calling gay with a malevolent tone is considering coming out… and your words have ruined their happiness. If you don’t identify as being gay you have a huge choice, refrain from using hurtful words and refuse to associate sexual orientation with who a person is OR continue to be a fucking asshole and perpetuate an issue that can be easily fixed.

Just stop being so fucking stupid with your choice of words.

4. Racism

There was this guy who used to hang out at the front gates of McGill University with a sign that essentially blamed the Jews for everything. Free speech laws allowed him to display his fuckery for the whole world to see and as a result he created a Hitler-sized paw print all over my fabulously liberal institution. This guy would spend all day in the blistering heat or freezing cold proudly displaying the fact that he hated Jews. He would endure criticism, chicken nuggets hurled at his face, and people threatening to kill him, yet he still spat his racist tripe all over the streets of Montreal. From my understanding all of this hate stemmed from someone hitting on him while he worked at Montreal Jewish Hospital. His whole life became a perpetual plea for the young impressionable minds of McGill to join with him in his hate.

My encounters with this gem were numerous and often hilarious through the years. From me smacking his ass as I walked by him, to him telling me I probably had Jewish roots because I didn’t agree with him, there was never a dull moment in the life of this nutfuck. Then one day he vanished, people very quickly forgot about his antics, I get boners thinking that he was beaten to death in one of Montreal’s heavily Jewish communities.

This is one example of racism that I’ve seen in one of the most liberal cities in one of the most liberal countries in the world. I’m really not sure what pisses me off so much about racism, oh wait, yes I do, it’s that everyone who thinks racism is justified is fucking dumb beyond all measure. Take Hitler for example, didn’t get into the university he wanted, took out his frustration on six million people. Ann Coulter… can’t even spell her name properly and the south during the Civil War, all inbred little fucks who lost because they pointed their guns in the wrong direction. Most racists either have small penises and have to compensate for it by ripping on another group of people or are just horribly uneducated. Let’s take Joe Redneck from northern Mississippi, Joe claims that white people are superior to blacks, I’m sure Nelson Mandela would agree with this comment. Or Torquemada, almost single handedly wiped out the Jews in Spain, dude acted tough, but would have cried like a little child if any Jew bumped into him in a dark ally.

People tend to feel they can run their mouths when they are protected by an overpowering majority, this is psychotic and is never justified. We see this with xenophobic tendencies from homogeneous populations. As nation-states become more and more diluted, the ability for an individual to voice their arrogant/ignorant opinion on race, dwindles.

Bringing myself back to my original argument, I feel very strongly that education has a very direct effect on the acceptance of race, gender, sexual orientation etc. Even in Canada we are still very far away from living in a world void of racism. All races are protected as equals under the law, but unfortunate socialization leaves us peppered with false stereotypes and an exclusionary subconscious.

5. Misogyny

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck the Patriarchy.

Really you can track back a great deal of the world’s problems to the perpetual cultivation of the patriarchy. This ‘patriarchy’ manifests itself in denying women the right to drive in Saudi Arabia, the inability for a woman to act as a religious leader in many sects, and that ‘bro’ who verbally and physically oppresses his girlfriend. We can find links to the subjugation of women in almost every facet of history: in religion, in politics, and in social environments. The hate I have for individuals who oppress women in anyway isn’t the type of hate I have for Hitler or Kim Jung Il… or even Tiger Woods. It’s a type of hatred that angers me in the most simple of ways, it surrounds me in everything I do and inundates me with a guilt I can’t avoid.

Even in a society such as mine where equal rights are protected under the law, there is an undeniable darkness that continues to cloud equality within our society. First and likely most visible is the conscious (and unconscious) objectification of women. I want to grind up the balls of those old money prep school guys who refer to sexual intercourse as ‘getting the kill,’ ‘owning her,’ or ‘pounding her.’ The humanity of the woman has been completely vanquished in these instances and her genitals are left as something that is conquered or dominated. Perhaps it’s just guys joking around, however, if you are comfortable enough to be overheard at a bar spitting sexist tripe, I can’t help but imagine what is going on in your fucked up head.

I mentioned several times throughout this blog the alarming marketing techniques for certain products, where clothing isn’t what is being sold, it’s the rail thin model sampling the product. The sexualization of our culture in terms of negative imagery is devastating. I support open sexual choices, but not when the images or mindset remains inherently slanted towards one sex.

The historical claims for women being inferior are archaic to say the least, despite this, we (men) have somehow been socialized to believe that we are the better sex. One major reason for this overwhelming inaccuracy stems from institutions, still prevalent in our society, that have historically oppressed women. One massive movement that destroyed the ‘human’ aspect of a woman was the early Christ movement. Many Church leaders in the 1st-3rd century CE cited the temptress Eve as ruining mankind’s chance for eternal bliss by ‘tricking’ Adam into eating the fruit. The thoughts of the early Church fathers on the status of women were far from flattering. Tertullian in the 2nd-3rd century wrote this on the role of women, “Do you not know that you are Eve? The judgment of God upon this sex lives on in this age; therefore, necessarily the guilt should live on also. You are the gateway of the devil; you are the one who unseals the curse of that tree, and you are the first one to turn your back on the divine law; you are the one who persuaded him whom the devil was not capable of corrupting; you easily destroyed the image of God, Adam. Because of what you deserve, that is, death, even the Son of God had to die.” Rough. Although most of us (hopefully) find this absurd today, this damaging mindset has percolated down throughout the centuries. Women remain unable to obtain ordination in the Catholic Church, whether or not a Priest would cite the works of Tertullian as justification for this travesty is irrelevant, the fact is that women are still seen as inferior as leaders by one of the most powerful institutions in the world.

“But Luke, religious institutions have no effect on me whatsoever, I don’t even believe in God.” Legit, but you still live in a society that was founded on Christian values, a society where 100 years ago, everyone was Christian. You are a byproduct of everything that stems from a once powerful force. Generation after generation this force becomes more diluted as increasing secularization and pluralization takes hold, however this does not eliminate the patriarchy. We see a saturated pop culture universe where children are indirectly told that sex sells, when you have Miley Cyrus as the most visible ‘role model’ for young girls or Paris Hilton essentially resigning to the fact she is a product, is change really possible?

I can point fingers all I want but this will only turn into a rant that gets nowhere. I, as a male, have to absorb my blame, as does every other man living in a society still controlled by the patriarchy. By absorbing the blame you are at least acknowledging that in some way you are part of the problem and are aware of the problem. This isn’t something we can fix overnight as men have been conditioned to be the head of the household, head of the office, and head of the government. Change will not be easy because this is the only role we know and understand. I can only hope change does happen though, because misogyny is destructive to women and I am incredibly embarrassed that men remain a force in the oppression of the other sex.

To any bro who talks about wanting to get the kill at the bar again, I won’t kill you there, I’ll listen to what your name is during the conversation and I’ll kill you in your sleep. Trust.

Yo

Due to unforeseen circumstances I will be unable to bring you post number 5 tonight. Look for a doubleheader one day this weekend.

Sorry kidz.

6. Myself

I’m fine, these are just meandering thoughts and stories as I finish up the final five blogs.

Three children laughed at me on the Metro today. I smelled of rotten energy drink and chicken wings, my perv stache was poorly kept and I may or may not have had gunk in my eye. “That guy looks like such a pedophile,” they snickered, I sunk into my seat and turned up my iPod. Their glares continued to pierce my soul through the reflection of the window. I was moments away from breaking down and crying… they were eight. I reluctantly trudged up the hill to my job, which is an eclectic blend of busy work, today I stuffed envelopes, it was far from stimulating. Tonight I’ll probably have a shower and watch another Seinfeld re-run if I’m feeling adventurous. And this my friends is my life… a destructive mush of nothingness and the occasional stripping down of my perverted appearance.

My life up this point has been a non-event peppered with horribly embarrassing moments. It all started with my first memory, the day I discovered that poo came out of my body. It was Halloween 1988, I was a surly 18 month old with a chip on my shoulder, anyway my parents let me run naked through the house as they were distributing candy. The site of Peter Pans and Ghosts knocking on my door every thirty seconds got me more than excited, devastated by this new development I squeezed out a little nugget of poo, maybe the size of a pee. Discovering that this had fallen from my body absolutely terrified me, I tried to run away, only loosening my innocent bowels causing another plop of poo to fall, then another, and another. I began screaming at the top of my lungs, running out the door, and rolling around on the grass in front of my house. It’s a miracle I didn’t become some anal retentive weirdo after this event.

Fast forward four years, grade one, Mrs. Smithson’s class. I was an absolute math king at the time, this no longer is the case, however in my younger years I was a fucking calculator. Anyway, Mrs. Smithson had developed this delightful little teaching technique where we had to answer as many math questions as possible in one minute. This was the highlight of my day, I took pride in the fact that I was an absolute fiend at this math game, however, this guy named Nathan Chang began to put up some serious scores that threatened my superiority. Anyway, Nathan and I faced off in one of the most dubious math games ever, I was so into my competitive spirit that I ended up urinating midway through the test. I was so terrified of losing that I continued the test, finishing up victorious but with urine all over me. The gurlie I was into at the time, Courtney, wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the year, but it was worth it.

Grade ten. I was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend at the time. I had to fart so bad while we were watching He Got Game, I very elegantly tried to squeak it out but I shit my pants, I finished watching the movie as I was terrified of moving. Louise, I’m sorry I never told you this.

Grade twelve, pooed my pants again, this time in school.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here, either I’m a walking embarrassment, or I’m incontinent, or both. But anyway this isn’t why I hate myself.

I’m 21 years old and have absolutely nothing to show for it except for this blog and my ten year old haircut. Sure I went through the motions and got into a good university, sure I’ll end up going to law school and become a lawyer in some capacity. But I worry that I’m so apathetic and sedated that I won’t even appreciate these successes when they occur. I do this with everything, I push people away because I fear emotion on any level that isn’t in the form of instant gratification. I fear feeling, because it would make an existence I’m certain is trivial, worth something. It would instill worry, doubt, and regret, that this life I live is finite and when I cease to exist, these feelings will vanish. Irrational I know, that is why I’m so frustrated with myself.

Am I happy? In spurts, but the baseline is this type of down that is so monotonous it’s sickening. It’s this loneliness that whenever I fall in love or meet someone amazing, I instantly feel sadder, because I’ve entered their happy little lives.

I was reading this over to my friend Kate and when I finished she had a tear in her eye. She said “you need to cap it off with something a little happier,” she suggested, “but damn am I ever good looking.”

So… damn am I ever good looking.

7. Tiger Woods

Before you brand me as some moron who knows nothing about the sport, I spent most of my youth golfing, I have a relatively low cap and I watch boatloads of golf, especially the majors. So don’t yell at me over that.

I’m not even going to argue that he isn’t the best… cause he is.

I play with many racial issues in this post. I want to assure the reader that I don’t factor in Tiger’s race in anyway when I assess my dislike for him as a golfer. I do however feel that Tiger’s race has been a source for his popularity, personally I am glad that a sport I took so seriously throughout high school is becoming a multicultural and international game. I am worried however that race and nationality play too much of a role in assessing an individual’s greatness. My hatred for Tiger Woods has nothing to do with him as a person, like it does with the Joseph Fritzl’s or Jim Jones’ of the world. He clearly is a better person than these individuals. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t do more with his enormous gift. I expect to be slaughtered in the comment section. Enjoy:

Will someone please get me a diamond faced scoring wedge so I can shave the shit-eating grin off this guy’s face? Since this dude won his first major over ten years ago every middle age white man in America have been slaves to Tiger’s dick. And ever since I was branded as a racist for telling some cretin kid down the street from me that I don’t like Tiger, I’ve been secretly hoping the dude gets struck by lightning while rounding Amen Corner. I’ll obviously concede that Tiger’s got game, in fact, no person living or deceased has ever been remotely as good as this guy. He’ll drain impossible putts, hit 360 yard drives like it’s nothing, and still have time to make some quip after the round which every dumbass in the room will chuckle over. There are two reasons why I hate Tiger Woods, the first reason Tiger has no control over, the other he has complete control over: his following and how he handles his success.

The Following

Dude’s a fucking towel, he plays golf, and somehow he has been raised to the status of demi-God. Is it because he plays golf really well? No. Because he does so much community work? No, no. It’s because he is black. “Luke! That’s a horrible connection and is based on a ridiculous bias and subjective analysis of a guy you don’t know.” You’re right it is. I’m a terrible person, but listen to this, a few years ago Vijay Singh went on an absurd run of golf. Dude won like ten tournaments over the year, did anyone give a shit other than Jason Sobel and Johnny Miller? Nope. They were all discussing the slump Tiger was in, “When is Tiger going to be back? When will the Tiger roar again? Do you think he would prefer me topping or bottoming him?” Vijay’s glorious season was a non-event and Tiger playing garbage golf was the talk of the town.

Tiger isn’t just the best golfer in the world. He is golf. And that’s not fair at all to the Justin Rose’s, Adam Scott’s, and Sergio Garcia’s of the world. Guys who work just as hard as Tiger, put up ridiculous scores, and have electric personalities on the course, but no one could pick them out on the street… not even the average fan. Really in this facet of my hatred I can’t blame Tiger, he was the kid Middle America could embrace and make themselves feel a little less racist. He was destined for superstar status even if he ended up being only a top twenty player. He had to become your favourite golfer, because you couldn’t cheer against the only black guy who was throwing up decent numbers. It’s an American mentality I see in the Middle states, where people are so afraid of racism that they fear by not liking an athlete who is a minority, they are somehow perpetuating racism. When in truth, they are just looking like complete dumbasses.

“But Luke, what about all the other black golfers on the PGA tour, why aren’t they superstars?” My answer is simple, there are none. There is not one golfer other than Tiger Woods on the PGA tour who is black. And here my friends is the kicker, Tiger is more Asian than he is black. Why does that fact always seem to trickle into the background? It’s because being Asian and a golfer is not as fascinating; KJ Choi, Anthony Kim, and Charlie Wi, have had great success on tour.

Of course I could be wrong, people might just like him simply because he is the best, however, as stated above this argument doesn’t hold up when we see that for a brief period of time Vijay Singh did the impossible and actually overtook Tiger as number one in the world… and nobody cared. His popularity has a great deal to do with his success, however, it is the fact that he is ‘black’ that causes him to be everyone’s glory boy. Again, this is something Tiger has absolutely no control over and I obviously don’t fault him, it is the deliriously stupid affluent middle America following that causes me to hate Tigermania.

Tiger’s Handling of His Greatness

Here is an individual who is so massive that he could actually transcend the game of golf and fix racial and social issues in his country merely by opening his mouth… but he doesn’t. One such incident was the crisis at Augusta National a few years ago. Augusta National is the home of the Masters, the most prestigious golf tournament in the world. However the course has been heavily criticized for it’s invitation-only membership system. Of the 300 members, not one is female, and only recently was the first invitation to a black man offered. There was actually a point in time when black men were playing in the Masters full well knowing that Augusta would turn them away any other time in the year. In 2003, Augusta’s exclusionary measures were supported by the KKK who celebrated the fact Augusta hasn’t offered membership to women. Straight up, when the KKK is supporting you, you should probably change your policy. Anyway, Tiger, merely by threatening to not play could have changed all of that, Augusta would have folded instantly at the thought of losing corporate sponsorships, ticket sales, and television deals. But Tiger didn’t open his mouth, he played amidst women rights groups protesting and the KKK cheering.

It is probably why he is the best in the world, he simply does not care about anything other than his own game, and that’s fine… just as long as you are not the global ambassador to a sport that has made you a millionaire many times over. As Peter Parker’s uncle said “with great power, comes great responsibility,” if you want to make this sport something more than a rich white man’s game, all you have to do is make a few comments. And not these kinds of comments:

Yep, the most memorable thing Tiger has ever said is “God damn. You fucking prick.” Typical golf talk, but not when millions of people, especially kids, look up to you as a role model.

Maybe I’m just delusional, Tiger has changed this sport forever, more kids are golfing and general golf etiquette is never a bad thing to learn. However, he remains the lone black man in the sport. If you want to find the next best black golfer, you have to look to the Nationwide Tour for a journeyman named Tim O’Neil who up until recently spent 45 weeks a year at tournaments and was up before dawn to practice his game. In 2008 he was offered a sponsors exemption to play on the tour and Will Smith actually funds a lot of his travel because he simply gets no help from outside groups. As Tiger basks in the never ending brightness of being the best, Tim O’Neil is getting another nine in after dark. As Tiger hoists another Clarett Jug and puts on another Green Jacket, Tim O’Neil is playing to put food on the table. And after Tim O’Neil there is nobody, O’Neil might sneak onto the tour with an incredible Q School one year, but in all likelihood he’ll fade into obscurity as someone who was a missed putt or an errant drive away from being what Tiger is. That is why I don’t like Tiger Woods, all he had to do was open his mouth and he could have changed this game in many wonderful ways. He could have represented what a black man can do in a game historically dominated by wealthy white men. Instead, he will only represent what a black man has done in a game historically dominated by wealthy white men.

As Tiger lays in his mansion this weekend, taking time off to rest before the British Open, a tournament he is of course favoured to win, Tim O’neil is up before dawn, getting another bucket of balls in before the course even opens. Has Tiger really opened up doors for the black man (and woman) in this game?

8. The Little Things (Guest Blog)

Bringing the hate in the eight spot is Ed Scherrer, who will basically discuss all the little things that bother him. This will be the final guest blog, shit will be lonely without him. Enjoy:

I had fun here on thingsifuckinghate and I can only hope my smart ass sarcasm made me more appealing when you tried to picture me in a dress. As a goodbye present I leave with you a list of various annoyances that have cumulatively turned me into the stark raving lunatic I hope you learned to love, or in the spirit of this site: loved to hate.

Sexually yours,

Ed

U2 – Bono’s egotism and refusal to surrender the spotlight is the only thing that kept these overrated pop darlings out of mediocrity. The man deserves a shallow grave. I would like to drive him out to where the streets have no name and manacle him to a ticking atomic bomb. I’d then toss him a copy of his latest album and leave him to contemplate just how useful his pseudo political commentary actually is.

Expiration dates –either nurtures a paranoia that forces me to throw out fresh food or attempts to murder me by making me eat that bad baloney. I can still taste it whenever I am alone and or vulnerable.

Noisy ass birds – I am flattered by your song of courtship and woo but do not find it arousing, please seek companionship elsewhere, I am not a suitable guardian to your eggs, I find them far too delicious.

Taxis who do not stop for me when I am drunk – just because I am more beer than man and smell like the clothes Nick Nolte was buried doesn’t mean I’m not human….what, still alive you say? I was wondering why he hadn’t been canonized as the Saint of Open Liquor.

Head set telephones for walking on the street – assuming you have already finished your triple triple your two free hands will still not stop the third cinder block I lob at your inconsiderate face. This is actually a very minute annoyance of mine, I understand technology is a horny hutch bunny, just remember if you drive with one of these remarkable things that it is no safe substitute to yakking on a cellphone, come on, don’t pretend like we can’t all drive with one hand anyway, the thing that is distracting you the most from the road is the conversation you are having, not the telephone, be safe Mr and Mrs popular.

Converse shoes – I wear them and I don’t know why. In the winter I have to fight the urge to crawl on all fours because even my inert feet will start to slip if there is so much as a molecule of moisture under them. In the summer, they fall apart like a Hollywood marriage.

Hollywood marriages – Vanity: Multimillion dollar parties that publicly force your friends and family to toast and celebrate you and your sex life over and over again for all eternity.

Laugh tracks – Staples of sitcoms and a slap to the face of any self respecting viewer that says “You and your family are far too stupid to understand the subtly of Tim Allen.” Also, the people you hear laughing were pre reordered at studios decades ago, so if you are not listening to computerized chuckles you are in fact listening to the laughs of dead people. No disrespect to Seinfeld or Fresh Prince but we’d have several more hours of jokes memorized if it weren’t for the hoots and hollers that interracial kiss incited.

A list Actors /Actresses– Possibly the easiest most glorified occupation in the history of the word. It just goes to prove how far a pretty face will get you in this life if you commit to the fact that that is all you are. Don’t get me wrong there are a few talented actors with genuine personality, but it is sad to see most of them abuse their notoriety to spew their personal philosophies and politics on national television (or make an album) like they know what they are talking about. Just because you dressed up and played make believe as a foreign affairs minister does not mean you fucking are one. The whole industry reeks of incest too, who you bang and who your parents banged has produced 90% of the spoiled brats already being signed to summer blockbusters just because they are in the bloodline. Plastic surgery may cover up the physical deformities such monstrous inbreeding has spawned but your souls belong to the devil, don’t act like you don’t crave the taste of human flesh and have a yearning to crawl into the sewers every time you see an open man hole. Seriously don’t act, don’t even try, we can’t afford to pay you that kind of money.

Static electricity – I am periodically shocked and one day I’m just going to blow, I’ll probably grease my naked body with nitro glycerine and go fight a thunderstorm with a golf club.

“Blogging” – Lavish your attention on me and my inner most thoughts, I deserve it, nay, you’ve all earned it. (Yes I realize I am now part of this problem but what’s new? I don’t vote or properly recycle either.)

Death – Dude is the ultimate party pooper.

Street sweepers –Yeah, with the velocity of a shotgun just fire all that shit on over here to the side walk where we don’t have the luxury of rolling up a window to avoid taking pebbles to the head and choking on the filth of a two million people.

“There’s no place like this” That vomit inducing commercial to promote Ontario’s tourism – The song’s title is apt, there truly is no place like the immaculate utopia portrayed in that commercial: Where the sun always shines, pouting is punishable by waterboarding and the mere concept of diversity onsets a mutual ecstasy where everyone must stop what they are doing and hug.

People who stand in the passing lanes on escalators – I don’t always walk up escalators, but I also don’t treat them like a carnival ride, and if I do I make damn sure I’m not inconveniencing someone behind me. These people suck, to quote Jason Lee from Mallrats, I hope their pant legs get caught and a bloodbath ensues.

Old people who spend an ungodly amount of time buying movie tickets at the automated tellers forcing me to miss my show time – This is one of the most hopeless spectacles on Earth. Its looks like a group of chimps who were tossed a sewing machine. First the dominant one of these old farts has a go, they circle it cautiously and slap at it curiously before trying to insert their Free Mason card, then when he or she can’t understand the basic English instructions, the rest of the posse who haven’t collapsed and expired at our feet while waiting in line all put their senilic heads together and gang up on the thing: swatting and poking it with canes, demanding out loud that it unveil its secrets to them. By this point no one in the building can look away at this evolutionary misstep. It isn’t long before all of them collapse from low blood sugar and fatigue, utterly defeated. Why these stubborn people don’t just seek the help of someone who doesn’t still own a loom I will never know. In fairness those touch screens may just be unable to sense a strong enough life presence to operate.

The Queen of England – Oh man, if I got stuck behind that old thing buying movie tickets I’d give her such a royal spanking.

Kathy Griffen – What’s worse than an arrogant and loud mouth bitch who thinks she’s funny? Not much. That nasally voice no doubt gives the morning announcements in the bowels of hell.

Verne Troyer – I don’t know why I hate him but I simply do. He is just Hollywood’s untalented token little person who we are all suppose to love, well not me. Has anyone seen the movie The Darkling? It is so bad and poorly distributed I couldn’t really even find a suitable picture of what I wanted to show you. I saw it on TMN back in the day when they had a new network on Rogers very first digital cable boxes and only had the rights to show some fucking weird ass movies like The Stalking of Laurie Show and Donnie Darko, that’s before it became an indie sensation. The Darkling was about this rich dude who had this pudgy abomination that he kept locked up in a giant bird cage because it supposedly brings its owner good fortune. This creepy thing came straight from hell and looked like a very evil and mildly retarded cherub, it looked like a satanic 40 year old infant and it hacked up ungodly things as it spoke, its hollow eyes gleamed with a translucent decay that voided its face of all things virtuous and holy, it looked liked Verne Troyer.

What evil has been wrought to befalleth this upon us?

Facebook – I’m seriously looking for more wholesome distraction, like angel dust.

Angel Dust – In retrospect facebook is marginally healthier, I don’t like sleeping in the shower it’s too cold, I spent six hours last night trying to give my dog a bath before I realized I didn’t own one.

Ass hair – It occurred to me that if I was insane enough to actually shave it, and went to wipe, I’d probably put my elbow through and shatter the ceramic cistern while dislocating my shoulder from misjudging the absurd shift in resistance.

Beer – Ha! In your dreams Mr. Liver. I wish these so called “people watchers” would hang that shit in a giant hummingbird feeder for me, it is my nectar and I love its sweet embrace.

Cat Ladies – An insanity so far gone that your freezer is full of dead animals instead of food and a trip to the bank means a trip to the back yard with a shovel. These people imprison hundreds of pets in their house letting them starve, die and defecate amongst the four tonnes of newspapers. They believe they are responsible animal lovers when they are in fact torturing dogs and cats to compensate for their own social problems. If there is even a slim chance one of them is reading this right now let me just say,

“Mustard Potato, Potato Jesus, Tomato Nixon, Santa!”

Translation: Seek help immediately you are fucked in the head.

The fate of these individuals should be that of the one bestowed upon the evil bitch in the end of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers…Wow, first I name drop The Darkling and now Sleepwalkers, sorry but some of the greatest comedy on earth is unintentional and can be found in the obscurity of the horror genre. If you haven’t seen Sleepwalkers click the first link and read this dude’s synopsis or just look at the hilarious pictures, it’s fucking great. I’ve also attached another one of his reviews that no one on earth should miss…it is a film about a herd of murderous sheep who thirst for blood, the pics will change your life, look out for the one of the man having his genitalia stretched and pulled so terrifyingly taught it’s ready to snap off like a piece of hot taffy…I will never wear wool again.

http://headinjurytheater.com/article85.htm

http://headinjurytheater.com/article91.htm

Observe,

Miley Cyrus and father Billy Ray.

“Too much teeth babe! Quick, someone pass the mint jelly!”

I can think of nothing else in this world that I’d rather leave upon your innocent minds so…

Godspeed Luke.

9. The San Antonio Spurs

The Face of Basketball: Big, Boring, Idiots

Over the past ten years, no team has been as consistently good as the San Antonio Spurs. Although you can’t quite classify them as a dynasty, they surely are as close as you can get. You’d be foolish at the beginning of every season not to pick San Antonio to win the championship. They have hands down the best starting line up in the league and are always the favourite come playoff time, put simply, they are the one team you don’t want to play in the post-season. That being said, I fucking hate these clowns, each and every player on this team is so boring I literally can’t watch them for more than thirty seconds. Their choice of the two least exciting colours, white and gray, doesn’t help either. Their stadium is boring, the city they play for is boring, and their style of play is dreadfully boring. Join me as I dissect my own hatred for the San Antonio Spurs, number nine on the Things I Fucking Hate.

The Players

Good God! It is a miracle in itself that the twelve least exciting players in the league joined forces in one collective unit. Let’s run through the starting line up shall we?

Point Guard – Tony Parker

The most exciting thing about this guy’s game is that he’s boning Eva Longoria. At least we know his sex life couldn’t possibly be like his game on the court, because she would have left him after she realized he was good during the build up, but when the going got tough he shits the bed. Parker is known to put up serious regular season numbers, especially in the paint, but come playoff time he falls out of the limelight. Dude also bitches like a soccer player, perhaps this is due to the fact he grew up in France, but every call ever made against him causes Tony to open his mouth in complete shock like the refs are idiots. Ya, you’re probably right, they were idiots for the over 250 fouls you got last year, every single time.

Small Forward – Bruce Bowen

Straight up the dirtiest player in the league. If you took Darius Miles, Ron Artest, Paul Bernardo, and Josef Fritzl, and somehow created a child from all their DNA, you’d probably get Bruce Bowen Lite. Vince Carter and Ray Allen have spoken out about how Bowen actually puts his foot under a player when he shoots making it incredibly unsafe for the shooter to land, it’s that type of shit that ends careers. Bruce Bowen would slit your achilles tendon with a rusty knife if he knew he wouldn’t get called for it. Hell he’d slit your mother’s achilles tendon if he knew he could get away with it. This guy is dirty, he belongs in a mental institution, he kicks, punches, and steps on ankles. He is good at what he does, playing defense and ruining player’s careers with cheap shots.

Power Forward – Tim Duncan

Am I the only one who is certain this guy is some sort of robot from the 50s? Dude has no personality. Nobody likes Tim Duncan… nobody. He might be one of the ten best players of all time, but nobody likes him. Really it all boils down to his style of play, he catches the ball two feet from the hoop and instead of dunking it down, gently places it in the basket. He does this twelve to fourteen times a game. He also is a poor sport, jumping up a down like a toddler who didn’t get his toy every time a foul is called on him. I wonder if he has any idea how silly a seven foot, 250 lbs monster looks jumping up and down while bitching like a baby. Tim Duncan is the worst thing that has ever happened to basketball, if you’re not throwing down dunks and draining threes like Kobe and Lebron at least have some sort of personality like Garnett or O’Neil. Dude’s a complete towel, the world would be infinitely less boring if Tim Duncan fell off the face of the Earth.

Center – Fabricio Oberto

This greased up assclown is the lost player in San Antonio’s roster. Although calling Argentina home, he looks more like a product of a trailer park in Permian, Texas. He would not be in the NBA if he did not have Tim Duncan, Manu, and Tony Parker doing 95% of the work for him and gobbling up most of their cap space. He plays for San Antonio because they cannot afford anyone else. Basically he exists in the four seconds when Duncan misses a free throw and he has to box out an opponent, even then he looks perpetually lost in a sea of talent. This guy starts for the best team in recent memory and averages a whopping five points, five rebounds per game. I imagine I could put up better numbers if you put me on stilts, he has the talent of some retarded fish frog.

Shooting Guard – Manu Ginobili

Hands down the most talented player on the team, however he is also the biggest fairy to ever play the sport. If I wanted to watch ballet, I’d buy tickets for ballet, but this isn’t ballet Manu, this is basketball. Again, here is someone who probably has seen one too many soccer games in his native Argentina and thought ‘what the hell, I’ll just flop all over the floor every time someone touches me.’ So far it’s worked for him, he’s been able to cheat his way to being an NBA All-Star and Sixth Man of the Year. But if he ever gets a foul called on him, he’ll cry like his mother has just been shot. The dude is either an incredibly good actor or was born made entirely of straw, either way he’s a huge loser.

Manu was actually going to be in this commercial but he had a scheduling conflict…

The Coach

Holy smokes! Will someone get Greg Popovich a stylist, or at least a face that doesn’t look like he just exited a burn victims unit? I’ve met baseball gloves that are less leathery than this guy. His personality reeks of douche as well, he acts as if he is some guru and deserves free blow jobs for his work when, in truth, he has just been shit lucky with the players who have rolled through his organization. His post game comments are nonsensical dribble, better fit for a convention on speech impediments than basketball. The fact that he is the man behind the magic of the most boring organization in history doesn’t surprise me, everything from his hideous face to his slashed up tongue is just fucking ridiculous.

I say all of this but next season these dirty bitches will go 58-24, make the playoffs, and be projected to win again. They are like some futuristic computer, you can’t stop them, either you learn to love them or they will beat your team 4-1 in the conference semis. I would die a happy man if I could witness this franchise fold or at least miss the playoffs for a decade or two.